I just heard another story of a family’s lives being turned upside down. Their son, who was preparing to graduate from college is now fighting for his life. His illness came from out of the blue, and it leaves this Christian family devastated. They want to know why this is happening and where the God who they’ve always believed in is. Why doesn’t our all powerful, sovereign God intercede? They are angry, confused, and hurt.
I love their honesty. They aren’t playing games or pretending to feel something they don’t. I love it because I understand it. I’ve been there and asked the same questions. How about you? Have you been there or are you there now?
No Christian wants to be angry with God. It hurts and it’s scary to enter into that kind of relationship with Him. You feel as though you could be on the brink of walking away from God. It isn’t that you don’t believe in Him. You do know that He is God. You’re ready to walk because He seems so different than who you thought He was. Where is the God of love, mercy, and goodness? Where is the living God who is active in His children’s lives? How can you love a God who would put your child through this? All you see is a cold God who’s abandoning you when you need Him the most. Right now, you’re whole belief system is being challenged.
What do you do when your anger and hurt is so raw? What do you do when you’re ready to turn your back on God, just like, you believe, He’s turned His back on you?
Do the only thing you can do. Be real, be angry, be hurt, and be those things with God. Take your questions, feelings, and doubts as is to Him. God doesn’t need you to pretend. He already knows exactly how you feel. Trying to mask it with false faith for the sake of being a “good Christian” is a waste of effort. Listen to what God tells us in Revelation 3:15-16, “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth,” (New International Version). You, Sweet Parent, are cold. No, you’re not an atheist, but you are about as cold as you can get towards God and still be a Christian. Did you hear what He said? He prefers your coldness to anyone’s lukewarm attitude. You many not care what He prefers at this moment, but let me tell you why His preference matters. God is telling us here, that He can work with your coldness and anger. He can’t do anything with someone who doesn’t feel anything at all. You’re at a point where God can make your faith more genuine and real than ever before. God, not you, can build your house of faith. I know that you don’t care about your faith growing now. Your focus is on your child. Let His words confirm to you that He wants and accepts your anger. He wants the real you, in all your coldness, so don’t hold back. Tell Him that you’re angry, that you don’t trust Him. Ask Him why He’s letting this happen. Say what you need to say and ask what you need to ask. You may not get any kind of immediate response, but someday your answers will come. Never belittle your tiny, spontaneous heart cries. Those 1 sentence little thoughts like, “God, don’t let this happen”, are mighty because the emotion behind them is as real as it gets. Let Him know that the ball is in His court. He’s going to have to help you love and trust Him. He may even need to help you want to pray.
I remember not being able to sing the songs of praise at church one Sunday because it wasn’t honest. What I felt was the opposite of the lyrics. All I could do was say, “God, I can’t say these things about you. Help me to feel this way about you.” It took time, but, yes, He did answer that prayer. My praise is more heart felt than ever.
Do not allow anyone to beat you with a Bible. You will have people say, “The Bible says, ‘Be anxious for nothing…’” or whatever other verse they’ll use to encourage you to “just have faith”. They don’t get your deep anger and hurt, but God does and that’s what He wants from you – your coldness.
Besides being honest with God, you also need to gather Prayer Warriors to stand in the gap for you. You already have the most powerful warrior on your side, and He’s always interceding for you. These are the time when the Holy Spirit steps in and prays for us. “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered,” (Romans 8:26, New King James Version). He is taking your pain, confusion, and weariness, before the throne. When you don’t know what to pray, are too angry, or are prayed out – the Holy Spirit is moaning on your behalf right to God’s heart. I’d like to share a couple of other versions of this verse:
“Also, the Spirit helps us with our weakness. We do not know how to pray as we should. But the Spirit himself speaks to God for us, even begs God for us with deep feelings that words cannot explain,” (New Century Version).
“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God,” (Romans 8:26-27, The Message).
Along with the Holy Spirit, find some people who will stand with you and pray. These need to be people you can be honest with about your thoughts and emotions. You need them to pray that God will heal your hurt, anger, and whatever else there is. You also need them to be brave enough to pray for healing for your child. I have asked a whole church body not to pray if they can’t join me in prayers of healing. I did not want people going home and asking God to help me accept suffering and possibly death for my child. That wasn’t going to happen. I would never accept those things. If God was going to take me down that road, He’d have a major work to do in me. Doesn’t that sound like a “bad” Christian? No, that’s the thought process of a Christian who knows her God is big and wants Him to show up. That’s a Christian who expects to meet the God of the Old Testament and the Jesus of the New.
If you don’t have anyone you can share like this with, and I hope you do, I invite you to join our Facebook page. It’s completely free. You’ll meet parents who are dealing with different health problems but the same emotional struggles.
I also encourage you to take “The Faith Challenge”. It will take you through the process of being real with God while also building genuine faith. Some of the devotions in the book may not be things you can do right now because of your raw anger. You have complete freedom to do them in any order.
You’re in a place where most people can’t even imagine being. All you can do is feel exactly what you feel, it’s OK. For today, just put one foot in front of the other and breath. Whenever those hurts squeeze your heart, tell Him about it.
In His Love,
Kimberly
I’d love to hear from you and pray for you! E-mail me at kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com
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