Anger

Who are You Really Mad At? by Kimberly Ehlers

by Kimberly on September 27, 2010

I confess that I do get angry.  I like to say, “But, I’m not angry with you, God.”  I’m angry at the problem, I tell Him.  If I’m truly honest, though, and believe God is who He says He is I have to admit that He is in control.

“Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you,” (Jeremiah 32:17, New International Version).

“‘I am the Alpha and the Omega,’ says the Lord God, ‘who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty,’” (Revelation 1:8, New International Version).

He has the power to change our circumstance but doesn’t.  He is letting this happen, and therefore, I actually am angry with Him.  Disease didn’t create itself.  It’s evil and allowed to exist.  Yes, I understand it’s a result of our sin nature and the fall, but that seems to be something we say to avoid blaming God.  We all (our sin, satan, and God) play a role in the life of disease (is that an oxymoron?).  As much as I’d like to heave coals on the devil’s head and then throw a few on my own, I can’t ignore God’s part in all this.  I also can’t blame Him for everything.

To blame Him is to ignore who He is.  We decide that He’s cruel and heartless – very evil qualities that He certainly is not.  If you look at bits and pieces of the Bible, you can see some very hard things especially in the Old Testament that make you question God’s kindness.  When you look at it as a whole, you see a God who deeply and passionately loves His difficult, stubborn, selfish children.  The Bible shows us His great love and all that He’s willing to do to bring His wayward children home.

To ignore God’s part in disease is to also ignore who He is.  These are the qualities that make us uncomfortable.  We like the gentle lamb but the lion scares us.  We don’t necessarily like that He is the Sovereign, Holy LORD, who sits in judgment.  These aspects of His being remind us that not only are we not in control, but we can’t control Him. 

All of those characteristics that seem to contradict themselves lead us to ask, how do we accept that God allowed this and still believe He loves us greatly and truly looks at us with compassion?

It just doesn’t make sense to us.  We equal love with good things.  If I love someone, I do nice things for them.  When they’re hurting, it hurts me, and I do everything I can (which is very little and never enough) to make things better.  We have to admit that sometimes, in our darkest hour, God seems to have done the opposite.  We feel abandoned.  We don’t see Him taking action to make everything better.  The One who can truly help is silent.

I often tell my son that much of God is a mystery we do not understand and that we have to trust that He’s at work for our very best and His glory.  That certainly is all true, but sometimes, we just want answers.  Where are you, God?  Why are you letting this happen?

God is not like us.  He doesn’t want to do merely good things for us, the ones He loves – He wants to give us the best.  That best is often beyond our comprehension.  Listen to what Francis Chan says in his book Forgotten God:  Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit on page 65, “Know that even as you seek to understand the Spirit more, He is so much bigger than you will ever be able to grasp.  This is not an excuse to stop seeking to know Him, but don’t limit Him to what you can learn about Him.”  The Holy Spirit, Jesus, and God are all bigger that we can ever grasp.  Together, how can we even begin to fathom the ways of the Holy Trinity?  We can’t limit Him to what we understand to be the right or wrong way to treat our child.  We can’t limit Him to our perception of the situation, because no matter how much knowledge we gain about our child’s disease, we will never completely comprehend it like He does.  He knows everything that is happening right now in your child’s body.  He knows how many times their heart beats and if it’s beating like it should.  He sees how their blood is flowing, if their muscles are working correctly, and if their brain is sending the messages it should throughout their body.  He knows if there’s a tooth loose.   He hears your child’s thoughts and fears.  He knows exactly what your child’s illness or defects are doing to them right now, and what they will do next week.  He knows all of this and doesn’t sit still simply holding on to His knowledge.  He is orchestrating the very best for your child.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope,” (Jeremiah 29:11, New King James).

Does realizing all of this mean you should never be mad at God?  No.  It means, just as He knows all about your child, He knows all about you.  He understands the fears and hurt that cause your anger and part of His plan is to grow your faith as you walk through all of your emotions with Him.

So, Dear One, take time with our complex, “bigger than you’lll ever be able to grasp” Father.  He’s more than big enough to handle all your questions and every bit of your anger.

In His Love,
Kimberly

Has Your Heart Become Hardened? By Kimberly Ehlers

by Kimberly on August 12, 2010

“The worst prison would be a closed heart.”
Pope John Paul II

The prison of a heart is dark and lonely.   Too hurt from the past, the door remains securely locked, tightly shut off from everything good.  Hope knocks on the door, only to be ignored.  Peace and Happiness, even Joy, want to come in, only to see the prison walls actually grow and fortify themselves against their attempts.   Safety is all that the heart seeks.  Too never be hurt again, it has too harden with anger and bitterness.  Feeling those emotions has to be better than to dream with happiness and hope only to be disappointed AGAIN.  Yes, it’s much better, much safer to be bitter.  The “worst prison” is dependable.

When you have a child facing a serious health challenge, more than likely you have experienced unanswered prayers or have clearly received a “no” from God.   We all have had those times, but when God says, “No,” to helping our child something happens to our heart.  It starts to harden; it becomes that prison Pope John Paul II warns us about.  Listen also to the warning that King Solomon gives us, 

“Blessed is the man who always fears the LORD, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble,” (Proverbs 28:14, New International Version).

While our harden heart gives us a prison that feels safe and reliable, it doesn’t stay that way.  While anything good has no way of getting in, we invite everything ugly inside our prison gates.  We think that they will strengthen our walls and will keep the hurt out, so we encourage them to come.  We don’t realize that their wickedness eats our heart from the inside out. 

Our prayers weren’t answered so we justify our new doubt in God.  How can we believe He’s good, loving, kind, faithful, and sovereign, like the Bible says?  He didn’t just not answer our prayer; he hurt us more than any man could.  He didn’t take care of our child, the one person we would lay down our life for.  We may still believe that He’s the creator and judge, but our correct fear of the LORD has been destroyed.  We do not want a relationship with Him.  We will not sit in awe of Him.  We’d much rather harden our hearts and keep Him out.

You may be thinking that you have had faith and loved Him whole-heartedly and still fell into trouble.  Unfortunately, as we know, being a Christian and having a right fear of the LORD doesn’t mean we won’t have trouble.  How I wish it did!  The Bible is full of stories of God’s people facing horrendous struggles.  They suffered.  Some received their deliverances when they clung to God.  We, like the others in those Bible stories, can fall into more and deeper trouble without God.  (The Old Testament is a cycle of God’s people living in relationship with Him, then turning away and suffering, then coming back to Him.)

I know this isn’t pleasant, but let’s be honest about some of the troubles your hard heart can cause you to fall into.  You will probably come up with more on your own, and if you feel brave enough, I’d encourage you to share them below in the comment box.  You could be helping someone else identify their own struggle.  Once it’s identified it’s much easier to give to God and let Him set you free.

One of the troubles we will face is becoming more dependent on people, specifically, doctors.  We will depend on their fallible wisdom, medicine and technology.  When our hearts reject God this is our only choice – to make our child’s doctor our god and put our hope in him or her.

If we turn from God, we will no longer have His guidance and wisdom.  It will be up to us to figure it all out.  We can spend hours upon hours studying everything that has anything to do with our child’s health so we “know” exactly what needs to happen for treatment (of course, our decisions are based on mistake prone humans and their experiences).  Or, we can go the other way, and completely put it all in the doctors’ hands – that puts us back to the situation above.

This is a horrible thing to think of, but it’s something that I’ve thought about often.  What if Seth’s life was threatened and I didn’t have God to turn to?  That thought is what always helped to bring me back from the brink of turning away – of hardening my heart.  Ultimately, I only want Seth’s life in God’s hands.

But what about the troubles hard hearts bring on ourselves?  This is the really yucky stuff.  This is the wickedness I mentioned earlier.  We allow it in only to have it then eat away at our hearts.  Our worries and fears accumulate and consume us.  They grow larger and more realistic until we believe they are truth.  Our personality changes.  We become angry, bitter, resentful, and afraid of everything.  We’ve shut out the One who can destroy each of those evils AND replace them with incomprehensible goodness.  Those attitudes are robbers.  They cause us to miss out on the very thing we love so much – our family and more.  We have to recognize that we are not the only ones effected by our hard hearts.  We may believe they’re hidden away where no one else can see.  But our loved ones always know if our heart is open and happy or closed and sad.

What do you do if your heart is either already hardened or wanting to harden?  Can I tell you to have hope?  You being here, at my site, shows that you’re seeking God in the middle of your struggle.  The answer comes down to a simple prayer adapted from Ezekiel 36:26, “God please give me a new heart and a new spirit.  Remove from me this heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh.”  Then pray your hurt.  Tell Him why your heart is hardening and ask Him to help.

If you could use some extra prayer, please e-mail me at Kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com or join our Yahoo! group (just fill out the form on the right side of this page).

So, how about it? Are you ready to free your heart from its prison?  If you are, walk through “The Faith Challenge” step by step, letting God heal the hurt that has hardened your heart.

In His Love,
Kimberly

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When Your Child’s Angry with God (Part 2) by Kimberly Ehlers

by Kimberly on July 9, 2010

After you’ve dealt with your child’s initial anger (see Part 1) and only when you sense your child’s heart softening can you begin guiding them in rebuilding their relationship with God.  If your child has never experienced anger with God, this is invaluable ground work for the unavoidable.  In dealing with their illness, your child will at some point either grow tired of their problems or suffer severe pain, both of which cause legitimate anger.

Let’s look at the “Ground Work/Relationship Building” steps:

*Family Devotions – Older kids may like to do devotions on their own, just like you do, but I encourage you to also do family devotions at least once a week.  It helps open the door to communication and keep it open.  With God’s help, this is your family’s opportunity to share your hearts.  Not only will you become closer, but you are guiding them as they learn Biblical truths and how the apply them to their lives.  Knowing God’s truth will help them face their trials.  We can’t ever forget just how powerful the Lord’s word is.  You can be guaranteed that He will be preparing your child well for life.

*Pray With Them – Pray from the heart.  Let them hear your concerns and how you give them to God.  You have times that you’re upset with God.  Hearing you say, “God, I’m angry.  I don’t like this,” teaches your child how to work through those emotions with God. 

I struggled with sharing with Seth that I was praying for healing after we found out he’d need another surgery.  I was afraid of getting his hopes up and having him be disappointed with God.  I was also afraid of dishonoring God by ignoring the healing part of His character.  He is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord who Heals.  I decided to trust God with Seth’s whole being.  I’d trust Him to heal Seth’s physical heart, and I’d trust Him to heal Seth’s emotional heart if He needed to.  Our family prayed for complete healing, and God walked us through the hurt of our unanswered prayer.

*Remind Them of the Truth – This is a truth I shared frequently with my son.  I would say it when I faced my own difficulties and when he had a small crisis – a hardship that was a bump in the road, not a major road block.  I’d also repeat it when we were struggling with stories found in the Bible.  Some things that He allowed to happen didn’t seem very loving.  The idea is to be sensitive in teaching your child this truth.  Use it to prepare them for future trials, and be careful of using it during a crisis – it could harden their heart.

What is this truth?  It goes something like this, “We have to accept that there are some mysteries of God.  We can’t always understand or like God’s ways, but we also have to understand that we don’t know what He does.  He is wiser than us.  We have to trust that He loves us so much, He is working for our very best.”  If you listened to Seth’s interview in Part 1, you heard him encourage other kids to trust God.  I’m so thankful it’s a message my son has taken to heart!

*Help Them Create a Prayer Journal – This can be very simple or very elaborate.  You can use a basic notebook or a 3 ringed binder, like we did.  Either way, help them to make a section for them to record their prayer requests and another for their praises.  You’ll want them to note the date, the request or praise, and leave space to write the date of when their request was answered.  Everyone in our family has made one of these journals, and this is what our prayer request pages look like at the top:

Date:                      My Request:                                                          Date Answered:
We chose to use a nice binder with a clear cover on the front because it’s durable and easy for kid’s to decorate their own cover.  I’d love to show you Seth’s but he used such dark colors a picture doesn’t turn out well.  He simply wrote on a colored sheet of paper “Seth’s Prayer Journal”, His greatest prayer ever answered (normal oxygen level) and the date it happened (July 22, 2009), and his favorite verse.  Allow your child to decorate it anyway they want.  Let them make it extra special and just for them.

Of course, little ones will need Mom or Dad’s help to fill their journals in.

Encourage your older children to occasionally look through their journal.  This will help them to notice when old prayers have been answered.  It would be nice if they’d share it with you, but do respect their privacy.  Ask is they’d like to share what they see God doing.  Remind them that sometimes God answers our prayers right away.  Sometimes, it takes awhile.  This activity will help them to see that God is with them and that He really does hear their prayers.

If you have any questions about any of “Ground Work/Relationship Building” steps, don’t hesitate to e-mail me at kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com.

Through these steps your child will learn more about who God is, how to have a relationship with Him and that God is actively involved in their life.  That’s laying serious ground work that will weather any storm!

In His Love,
Kimberly

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Need family devotions?  Did you know that The Heart Connection subscribers receive a family and a parent devotion with each ezine completely free?  How do you get The Heart Connection?  Just fill out the form on the upper right hand corner of this page.  You can also purchase past devotions in my e-books “Family Challenge Devotions” books 1 and 2.  Add them to your Wish List for July 15th’s gigantic 1st Year Healthy Heart Anniversary sale!

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When Your Child’s Angry with God (Part 1) by Kimberly Ehlers

by Kimberly on July 8, 2010

As Christian families who have children with health challenges, in the middle of our fear for their futures one thing that gives us peace is our child’s relationship with God.  When so much seems to go against them, they’ve been given an incredible gift that healthy kids usually don’t get so young; our kids have learned early on that they need God.  They receive the gift of faith and salvation at a young age.  So, when a crisis comes (which, more than likely involves pain and/or severe sickness) and our child lashes out in anger at God, we panic.  Is our child about to throw away the one good thing that’s come from their illness?  Are they going to reject God?  What in the world do we do to help them in their struggle?

In part 1of this 2 part series, I’d like to talk about what you can do in that crisis situation.  You’ll also notice an audio for you to listen to.  I decided that there was no one better to teach about this subject than my son, Seth.  I set up a little interview with him, and he did an amazing job of sharing his heart.  You will be blessed by what he has to tell you.

Tomorrow, we’ll step back and look at some ways to lay the ground work so that your child’s faith can withstand storms.  This ground work is also an excellent way to walk with them down the path of a strong relationship with God once they’ve gotten over their initial anger.

You may find it hard to believe, but it’s actually very easy to deal with your child’s anger.  It’s easy for you because you need to step out of the way and let God deal with it.   This is actually a very precious sacred time.  God is about to strengthen your child’s faith if you let Him.  There are things that you should do and things you shouldn’t, but, thankfully, those lists are very short.

Do:

• Allow them to feel what they feel.  It’s completely normal for them to be angry when they’re in pain.  It’s normal for them to feel great frustration over their on-going illness.  Everyone experiences those feelings.  Need proof?  Read through the book of Psalms.  David was often angry and upset with God.  Read about Job and how he responded to extreme suffering.  Notice that God never left them in their misery.
• Listen.  Just listen to their thoughts and feelings.
• Pray.  Turn your child’s words into prayers.  After they’ve told you how they feel, ask if you could pray with them.  Pray about the feelings they’ve just shared.  If your child says that they don’t think God cares about them, pray out loud, “God, Sally doesn’t think you care.  Please show her just how much you love her and that you really do care for her”.  Pray with your child and on your own.  Pray them through their feelings.  Encourage them to tell God how they feel.

Don’t:

• Try to change their feelings.  Be extra careful not to beat them with Bible verses.  Your intention may be to encourage them.  More than likely you’ll belittle their legitimate feelings and possibly make them even angrier with God.  They need God’s love right now, not law.  By trying to change their feelings with Scripture you’re telling them that they aren’t acceptable to you or God.  That will only serve to separate them farther from Him.  Take another look at Job.  In Job 42:7-8, how did God respond to Job’s friends and their constant attempts to “shine light” on Job’s sins?  I’ll give you a hint:  He wasn’t happy!
• Let it be OK to be mean.  You have the opportunity to teach your child how to work through anger the right way.  Teach your child that they can’t use mean words or hurt people out of anger.  I had to do this with my son a couple of days after his surgery.  An amazing thing happened when he was no longer allowed to lash out at, mainly, me.  He started to improve!  Lashing out had only fed his anger which fed his physical misery.

Now, let’s have Seth tell his side of the story…

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

audio: Seth shares his experience, click arrow to listen

Tomorrow, will be some more very practical “how to’s” focusing on helping your child develop the relationship they need with God.  Not only will they know God more profoundly, but that relationship will allow them to be angry at God and stay by His side.

In His Love,
Kimberly

e-mail me at: kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com

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Homeschooling your child with health issues or thinking about it?  You won’t want to miss  my new audio set and planning guide, “Creating a Homeschool That Blesses Your Family – Even During Your Child’s Illness”!  It’s coming SOON!  (As in by the BIG sale July 15!) Want to receive an e-mail when it’s available and be one of the first to get it?  Just send me an e-mail at kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com or kimberlyehlers@gmail.com, subject line – keep me posted!

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Angry with God by Kimberly Ehlers

by Kimberly on July 5, 2010

I just heard another story of a family’s lives being turned upside down.  Their son, who was preparing to graduate from college is now fighting for his life.  His illness came from out of the blue, and it leaves this Christian family devastated.  They want to know why this is happening and where the God who they’ve always believed in is.  Why doesn’t our all powerful, sovereign God intercede?  They are angry, confused, and hurt.

I love their honesty.  They aren’t playing games or pretending to feel something they don’t.  I love it because I understand it.  I’ve been there and asked the same questions.  How about you?  Have you been there or are you there now?

No Christian wants to be angry with God.  It hurts and it’s scary to enter into that kind of relationship with Him.  You feel as though you could be on the brink of walking away from God.  It isn’t that you don’t believe in Him.  You do know that He is God.  You’re ready to walk because He seems so different than who you thought He was.  Where is the God of love, mercy, and goodness?  Where is the living God who is active in His children’s lives?  How can you love a God who would put your child through this?  All you see is a cold God who’s abandoning you when you need Him the most.  Right now, you’re whole belief system is being challenged.

What do you do when your anger and hurt is so raw?  What do you do when you’re ready to turn your back on God, just like, you believe, He’s turned His back on you?

Do the only thing you can do.  Be real, be angry, be hurt, and be those things with God.  Take your questions, feelings, and doubts as is to Him.  God doesn’t need you to pretend.  He already knows exactly how you feel.  Trying to mask it with false faith for the sake of being a “good Christian” is a waste of effort.  Listen to what God tells us in Revelation 3:15-16, “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth,” (New International Version).  You, Sweet Parent, are cold.  No, you’re not an atheist, but you are about as cold as you can get towards God and still be a Christian.  Did you hear what He said?  He prefers your coldness to anyone’s lukewarm attitude.  You many not care what He prefers at this moment, but let me tell you why His preference matters.  God is telling us here, that He can work with your coldness and anger.  He can’t do anything with someone who doesn’t feel anything at all.  You’re at a point where God can make your faith more genuine and real than ever before.  God, not you, can build your house of faith.  I know that you don’t care about your faith growing now.  Your focus is on your child.  Let His words confirm to you that He wants and accepts your anger.  He wants the real you, in all your coldness, so don’t hold back.  Tell Him that you’re angry, that you don’t trust Him.  Ask Him why He’s letting this happen.  Say what you need to say and ask what you need to ask.  You may not get any kind of immediate response, but someday your answers will come.  Never belittle your tiny, spontaneous heart cries.  Those 1 sentence little thoughts like, “God, don’t let this happen”, are mighty because the emotion behind them is as real as it gets.  Let Him know that the ball is in His court.  He’s going to have to help you love and trust Him.  He may even need to help you want to pray.

I remember not being able to sing the songs of praise at church one Sunday because it wasn’t honest.  What I felt was the opposite of the lyrics.  All I could do was say, “God, I can’t say these things about you.  Help me to feel this way about you.”  It took time, but, yes, He did answer that prayer.  My praise is more heart felt than ever.

Do not allow anyone to beat you with a Bible.  You will have people say, “The Bible says, ‘Be anxious for nothing…’” or whatever other verse they’ll use to encourage you to “just have faith”.  They don’t get your deep anger and hurt, but God does and that’s what He wants from you – your coldness.

Besides being honest with God, you also need to gather Prayer Warriors to stand in the gap for you.  You already have the most powerful warrior on your side, and He’s always interceding for you.  These are the time when the Holy Spirit steps in and prays for us.  “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered,” (Romans 8:26, New King James Version).  He is taking your pain, confusion, and weariness, before the throne.  When you don’t know what to pray, are too angry, or are prayed out – the Holy Spirit is moaning on your behalf right to God’s heart.  I’d like to share a couple of other versions of this verse:

“Also, the Spirit helps us with our weakness. We do not know how to pray as we should. But the Spirit himself speaks to God for us, even begs God for us with deep feelings that words cannot explain,” (New Century Version).

“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God,” (Romans 8:26-27, The Message).

Along with the Holy Spirit, find some people who will stand with you and pray.  These need to be people you can be honest with about your thoughts and emotions.  You need them to pray that God will heal your hurt, anger, and whatever else there is.  You also need them to be brave enough to pray for healing for your child.  I have asked a whole church body not to pray if they can’t join me in prayers of healing.  I did not want people going home and asking God to help me accept suffering and possibly death for my child.  That wasn’t going to happen.  I would never accept those things.  If God was going to take me down that road, He’d have a major work to do in me.  Doesn’t that sound like a “bad” Christian?  No, that’s the thought process of a Christian who knows her God is big and wants Him to show up.  That’s a Christian who expects to meet the God of the Old Testament and the Jesus of the New.

If you don’t have anyone you can share like this with, and I hope you do, I invite you to join our Facebook page.  It’s completely free.  You’ll meet parents who are dealing with different health problems but the same emotional struggles.

I also encourage you to take “The Faith Challenge”.  It will take you through the process of being real with God while also building genuine faith.  Some of the devotions in the book may not be things you can do right now because of your raw anger.  You have complete freedom to do them in any order.

You’re in a place where most people can’t even imagine being.  All you can do is feel exactly what you feel, it’s OK.  For today, just put one foot in front of the other and breath.  Whenever those hurts squeeze your heart, tell Him about it.

In His Love,
Kimberly

I’d love to hear from you and pray for you!  E-mail me at kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com

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Surprised By Bitterness

January 1, 2010
Sharing is Caring!

Just when I think life couldn’t get much better (my son has a normal oxygen level for the first time in his life, praise God!), God gives me a wake up call.  “Things aren’t so great,” He tells me.  “You’re carrying around some junk that will destroy you and the ones you love if you [...]

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