How Does a Christian Go Through This?

I do hope you were able to hear my sarcasm in this title. Have I been the world’s greatest mom? No, far from it. Do I have a laundry list of the ways I’ve failed as a mom? You bet. I have a vision of the dream mom I’d love to be – one who is laid back, full of grace, and open to new adventures. Something in me insists on smothering those characteristics with its constant reminders that in order to be a good mom I must:

a.) carefully weigh the pros and cons in every situation in order to make perfect decisions at all times
b.) diligently (and perfectly) train up my son in the way he should go or he will, this voice warns, grow up to be a hoodlum
c.) by all means, be perfectly responsible at all times.

So, while I haven’t been “such a good mom” (as in perfect), I certainly have strived to be… and that striving leaves me with lots of regrets.

Regret #1 – Being Overly Protective

This is an old regret, thankfully changed by Seth’s now healthy heart, but its effects still linger.

It’s natural for a mom of a child with a serious illness to be extra precautious about perceived dangers. I, on the other hand, was not necessarily overly protective in the sense that I didn’t allow Seth to experience things.

I was, though, protective of how I wanted him treated. I did not want him to be:

~treated like or called a “heart boy”
~ given special treatment because of his heart (that means, I didn’t want him to be given a free pass to not try his best academically or make it OK to behave badly)
~ limited by his heart unnecessarily (I didn’t want him to miss out on opportunities)

Always on watch, I became an angry mama bear at the first sign that Seth was being treated differently. I was determined to have the very best for my son and to make sure every doctor, nurse, and caregiver did their best. It went beyond being an advocate for my child. I was trying to control a situation (Seth’s heart defects and future) that could only be controlled by God.

I regret the hurt I probably caused others in my desperation to fix what I couldn’t fix. I regret carrying that anger.

Regret #2 – Stressing Out at the Drop of a Hat

That control and fix it attitude I talked about above did nothing but put my nerves on edge. Stress is such an ugly force that starts a painful chain reaction. It causes you to be defensive and misinterpret actions or words. It makes you impatient, quick to anger, and less able to control yourself. All of that leads to lots of words and actions you wish you could take back – and memories you’d love to erase.

That stress, though, can also cause something different – fear. It can make you worry about things you may not normally worry about. It made me afraid that I would miss something I should have done for Seth or maybe I would miss a warning sign and not get him the care he needed.

I have allowed the worry and stress of my son’s illness to define what a good mom is instead of following God’s leading to be that mom of grace and flexibility that He’s put in my heart to be. I believe the mom God wants me to be is free. Free to love, free from worry, and free to live abundantly as His daughter. The mom my son’s heart defects push me to be is a slave to their every whim. Who do I live surrendered to – God or ugly heart defects?

“Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living.”
~ Romans 6:16, New Living Translation

All this striving to be the very best mom for my son now leaves me with worry that I was the complete opposite.

Through all of the regrets, on thing remains true. Thanks to Christ, I can try again. By His grace, my family can have a fresh start whenever we need it.

“I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!”
~ Lamentations 3:19-23, The Message

When I mess up and fail to be the mom God wants me to be, I can seek forgiveness from Him and my son. Then I can turn away from my wrong behavior. I can also ask God to heal the hurt I’ve caused Seth and trust that He will. I will continue to seek after His wisdom, understanding, and discernment. I can also make it a frequent habit to stop and ask myself, “Who is my master – sin, heart defects, the “perfect mom” ideal, or God? Oh, so many things vie for our devotions. Who am I devoted to?

As I’ve worked on writing this article, 2 spiders sought refuge under my papers and a flying critter buzzed by my ear – all escapees from 1 of my son’s bug jars. I calmly pointed out their escape routes and kept writing. Maybe I’m more laid back than I think. I also realize that, at the end of the day, my son is a happy young man who knows his parents love him a lot. Maybe I should give myself a break – how ‘bout you? Maybe, together, we can all stop chasing being an ideal mom and relax and enjoy being who God created us to be – His daughters, who happen to be beautiful works in progress.

In His Love,

Kimberly

top picture by http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=3062

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