Hurt by Other Christians

With Friends like These (When Friends Aren’t So Great During Your Child’s Illness) by Kimberly Ehlers

by Kimberly on November 16, 2011

 

    Have you heard this conversation before?  “Maybe she drank while she was pregnant,” one might say.  The other responds, “Or was taking some kind of prescription drug…”  Or was the conversation more like this?  “She must have done something really wrong to deserve such a sick child,” says the first.  “God must be punishing her for something,” the other agrees.

You may have heard people bold enough to make such accusations.  These may also be the conversations that play out in you head.

When you have a child with a serious illness, like my son with congenital heart defects, you usually want to know why this has happened to your child.  What did you do wrong?  What can you do now to fix it?  People on the outside are frightened by a child’s illness and want to figure out the cause and how to avoid it.  If they’ve raised physically healthy children, they may feel a bit self-righteous and give themselves more credit than is actually deserved.

If someone is so audacious as to question your righteousness by asking if you have a sin you need to be forgiven of, they may also say they’re “trying to be helpful”.  Let God decide if their heart has pure motives or if they’re in fact being judgmental.

“I am not inferior to you!” (Job 12:3)

     My friend, your situation is hard enough right now.  As the saying goes, “With friends like these, who needs enemies?”  Avoid these people as much as you can, pray for them, and let God heal the hurt they’ve caused.  What do you do if you’re that person you need to avoid?  You dig into the Word of God and fill your mind with the truth.  It’s the only way to combat the enemy’s lies.  (Also make sure to spend time with people who encourage you.)  To help you get started, I’d like to share with you some verses from the book of Job.  Job knows a thing or two about self-righteous friends who know how to make a person feel even worse than they already do.

This is what his “friend”, Bildad, said, “If your sons have sinned against Him,
He has cast them away for their transgression. If you would earnestly seek God, And make your supplication to the Almighty, If you were pure and upright, Surely now He would awake for you, And prosper your rightful dwelling place…Can the papyrus grow up without a marsh?  Can the reeds flourish without water?  While it is yet green and not cut down, It withers before any other plant. So are the paths of all who forget God; And the hope of the hypocrite shall perish,” (Job 8:4-6, 11-13, NKJV).  Wow.  He has the nerve to tell Job that his sons died because they were sinners.  He also tells him that, obviously, he’s sinning and not seeking God enough – otherwise all of this would go away and everything would be fine again!  Poor Job’s reply was, “Truly I know it is so, But how can a man be righteous before God?… For He is not a man, as I am, That I may answer Him, And that we should go to court together. Nor is there any mediator between us, Who may lay his hand on us both,” (Job 9:2, 32-33, NKJV).  He is defeated.  What can he do?  He has no hope at all.

Dear One, this is where we differ from Job.  Yes, we are suffering and see no end in sight, but we have the perfect Mediator Job longed for.  We have Christ.  “For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus,” (1 Timothy 2:5, NKJV).  Not only are we now able to approach the throne boldly (Heb. 4:16) and pray for our needs, but we have Christ to lay His hand on both us and God.  He became our Mediator, our Savior, and paid for our sins (and much more!) all at the same time.  “And for this reason He is the Mediator of the new covenant, by means of death, for the redemption of the transgressions under the first covenant, that those who are called may receive the promise of the eternal inheritance,” (Heb. 9:15, NKJV).  Through His death, He opened the door to our forgiveness – all we need to do is ask.

We can take a different path than Job.  We can let the unwanted counsel of the judgmental, or the critical self-talk we use all to often, roll off our shoulders and cling to our Mediator instead.  We remind ourselves of what Christ has done for us and give thanks.  Oh, and if necessary, we can borrow a word from Job and say, “I am not inferior to you!” (Job 12:3) ;) .

In His Love,
Kimberly
kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com

{ 0 comments }

How to Confront Like a Christian: What to do When Loved Ones Hurt You by Kimberly Ehlers

by Kimberly on March 14, 2011

In my article, When Loved Ones Hit the Road, I shared with you my hurt over a loved one’s abandonment during our son’s open-heart surgery. 

Also in that article, I shared how to handle our “go to person” walking away, how to forgive, and how to open our hearts to trusting again.  “We go to our Father in prayer.  We tell Him of our hurt and ask Him to heal that hurt.  We ask Him to help us to truly forgive that person, and, honestly, it takes God at work in our hearts to be able to do that.  It isn’t something we can force, but, for our peace we need it.  We can recognize the old hurt, the anger, and the bitterness when it creeps up and immediately take it to God.  Give Him your heart to do His work in.  Then, we ask Him to help us find a true friend and to be able to trust again.  Simply put, we deal with the hurt WITH HIM.”

It occurred to me that I didn’t talk about a very key (and controversial) step – confrontation.  I think I left it out because it’s something I’m not good at.  I believe that “how to confront like a Christian” is a lesson God is still working in me.  The controversy, for me, begins with my belief that turning the other cheek meant to let others do whatever they want, forgive them, and if I couldn’t it meant I was sinning.  I’d actually do OK with all of it until that one last straw caused the dam to break on my anger.  Everything I ignored in the name of forgiveness, spewed out in a storm of hurtful words.  The forgiveness I thought I had given hadn’t been genuine at all.  My storm did nothing but create a bigger mess to clean up – much bigger than the initial sin against me, had I confronted the problem as Christ would have wanted me to.

Yes, Jesus instructed us all on how to confront others when needed.  Now, this person may have broken all ties and walked completely out of our lives.  We may not be able to confront them.  Often, though, we do still have some type of relationship with them.  They may be a family member whose connection to us is permanent.  They could be a friend who avoids the issue of our child’s health.  We maintain a friendship, but things are different now – we’re not as close because there’s an invisible wall between us.  Or, they may have said something so hurtful that seeing them is a constant source of pain. 

So, what exactly does Jesus say?  “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the plank in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the plank that is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother’s eye,” (Luke 6:41-42, New King James Version).

We have to step back and look at our own sin.  We’ve all heard of counting to 10 when we’re angry, right?  Well, this is God’s version of giving ourselves a “timeout”, but it’s much more effective.  He wants us to take a deep breath, look at our sin first, and repent.  This is where, I think, a lot of Christian women stop.  Jesus doesn’t want us to stop there though.  He wants us to remove our sin and then help our loved one to be free of theirs.  We know that we are commanded to love one another and letting someone drown in their sin is not loving.  By removing our plank, we humble ourselves and are more able to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15).  It also opens us to being able to communicate well with this person.  We are not yelling in anger, closed to what they have to say.  Instead, our hearts are open to the possibility that we may be confronted with a sin we have been blind to also.

In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus gives us further instruction, “‘Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.  But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that “by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.” And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector,’” (New King James Version). 

I have to admit that I’ve never witnessed confronting a wrong this way.  Have you?  I’m thankful that God is here to guide me through these situations.  One thing is clear, though, He doesn’t tell us to just drop it.  He doesn’t tell us to let it go and forget it.  It matters that you were hurt.  We can forgive and still not allow someone to treat us badly.  Forgiveness does not mean becoming a doormat.  It means letting go of the anger and, according to my dictionary, the desire to punish.   

If you do not confront the person who sinned against you, the hurt is allowed to remain.  It will become a stumbling block.  You will be reminded of the pain and trip over it again and again because you can not truly forgive.  A storm, created by the desire to see this person punished, will brew inside of you.  It will destroy the peace, joy, and love God wants for you.

Confronting like a Christian isn’t easy.  It takes practice and that means we’ll probably make mistakes.  As I tell my son, mistakes are how we learn.  Are you ready to learn with me?  (Hey, if you’re a pro at this, we’d love your advice!  Share with us below in the comment section!)

In His Love,

Kimberly

Hey!  Let’s chat on FB!  You can find me at http://on.fb.me/KimberlyEhlers .

{ 5 comments }

Is Your Church Right for You Part 2 by Kimberly Ehlers

by Kimberly on February 11, 2011

OK, ready for the messy stuff?  If you missed yesterday’s article about what a church should be, I suggest you go back to that first at http://bit.ly/i7GoFA.  Please remember that we are not talking about a hurtful situation with an individual.  We’re talking about the health of a church or its unhealthy environment.

There are four signs that you are in the wrong church for your family.
1.  Your church isn’t God centered.  People come out of a sense of duty, not out of love of God.  Church is something they do on Sunday and it’s separate from the rest of their lives.  This is harder for us to see because we are all sinners and will fail more than once during our week.  It is clear, though, when a church body really loves God and when they don’t. Or their focus is purely the social aspect of church.  This can be tricky.  Caring for our brothers and sisters is fulfilling Jesus’ second commandment to love our neighbors.  It becomes a problem though, when we go to church centered on catching up with so-and-so instead of centered on worshipping God.  A church centered on the body may be warm, but it will slip farther and farther away from God, even disobeying His commands in order to be “loving”. 

2.  Your church is centered on “feeling good”.  Sadly, some churches have become so centered on being encouraging that their sermons have become less about the teachings of the Bible and more on making parishioners feel good.  Let me be clear that I do not believe in beating people up with the Bible, but everyone needs the Word of God as it’s written.  You, especially, my friend, need to be fed His truth as you deal with your child’s illness.  Life is hard.  Thank God we have his Word to guide us.  It is rich and teaches so much.  You need a church dedicated to teaching from the Bible and not just seeking out the verses they like and will make us feel good. 

3.  Your church doesn’t accept your family.  If your church treats your child’s disabilities or health problems as an annoyance, this is not the church for you.  If you don’t feel comfortable and accepted it will interfere with your ability to worship.  Let’s face it, your child’s health may already make it difficult to truly worship, but if you also have to deal with cruel looks and whispers, worship is next to impossible.  Not that you ask for it, but your church should be seeking ways to help you, not judge you.  You have such a humble heart and don’t expect anyone to do anything for you, but if someone else were in your position, wouldn’t you reach out to them?  I know, my sweet friend, that you would.

It all comes down to this: THE CHURCH IS NOT FUNCTIONING AS A BODY OF CHRIST!
 
I’d also like to share with you a physical sign that you are in the wrong church.  A couple of years ago, my family left our beloved church.  It was a very hard situation.  We knew we had to leave for a variety of reasons, the biggest being that God was no longer center.  After services my husband and I would go home feeling completely drained.  It was exhausting.  It came to the point where my husband said that he just could not go again.  When I’ve talked with other people who have left their churches, they mention the same drained feeling.

So, what do you do if you know that you’re in the wrong church for your family?  Dear friend, you pray and you dedicate yourself to honoring God.  By staying in a church that is centered on its people or itself, you are only giving them the OK to not be Christ centered.  In our situation, my husband met with our pastor and they discussed why we were leaving.  That discussion also made it clear that we were doing the right thing.

You may feel that God wants to use you to make changes in your church.  First, ask yourself if this is a situation that can be changed by talking or is it bigger?  Is it an environment that’s well established and not open to change?  You will get a clearer picture by taking your concerns to your pastor or a church elder.  This is part of their role.  Also, make sure it is really God giving you that guidance and not false guilt or a sense of loyalty.  Our loyalty needs to be to God alone.  We should never choose dedication to a particular church building over complete dedication to God.

Dear one, keep in mind that you are already living with a long battle as you daily care for you child.  Changing a church’s ways is probably not a battle God is also asking you to take on.  

Is leaving a church, even one where you are not accepted, hard?  Yes.  We can feel as though we’re not being good Christians by abandoning a church.  We may feel like we need a church because it’s part of being a Christian.  God wants us to be part of His body, it’s true.  Can I tell you though, when it gets down to just being you and God and no church between you – well, that’s when you really learn to worship.  Your relationship with God deepens when it’s just you, Him, and His Word.  Family devotions are powerful because they are your church time.  (If you need family devotions, check out my Family Challenge Devotions.)  You get back to what church is really all about – loving Him.

I love what a friend told me recently when we were discussing her family leaving their church.  She said, “We’re not church seeking.  We’re church waiting.”  If you know you’re in the wrong church, dear one, God has the right place for you.  Wait for it.

I do hope that no one thinks that I take leaving a church lightly or am pushing you to leave your church.  A reader told me that she’s sickened by the idea of playing church.  I have to completely agree.  After all, we don’t have time to play around.  Our kids need us to feverishly seek the One, True God.  We need the church Paul describes, “And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ; that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ— from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love,” (Ephesians 4:11-16, New King James Version).

I would LOVE to hear how you’ve been blessed by your church body!  Share your story below!

In His Love,
Kimberly
kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com
http://on.fb.me/KimberlyEhlers
http://twitter.com/kimberlyehlers

Are you without a church now?  Would you like to help to keep God centered?  Would you like FREE family devotions?  The Heart Connection will give you both – absolutely, totally FREE!  Sign up today at http://bit.ly/dKCttf.

{ 4 comments }

Is Your Church Right for You and Your Family by Kimberly Ehlers

by Kimberly on February 10, 2011

Yesterday, we began our discussion about how to handle being hurt by other Christians.  One of the places we can experience this hurt is in the very place we should feel the safest – in our church.  If you’ve experienced a specific incident with a particular person, I suggest that you refer back to yesterday’s post at http://bit.ly/huxeTn .  Today, we’re looking at the bigger picture of the church environment, and if it’s the right place for your family.

Let’s start by talking about what a church should be.  This is the measuring stick we use to determine the health of a church.  This is Paul’s description of how the body of Christ (the church) should function:

“And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ; that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ— from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love,” (Ephesians 4:11-16, New King James Version).

Isn’t that a beautiful picture?  Christians loving, supporting, helping one another, and growing together in Christ.  It also helps us to understand why we go to church on Sunday. 

There are two main reasons we go.  First, we come to worship God together as brothers and sisters in Christ, living Jesus’ commandment, “Jesus answered him, ‘The first of all the commandments is: “Hear, O Israel, the LORD our God, the LORD is one.  And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.” This is the first commandment.  And the second, like it, is this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” There is no other commandment greater than these,” (Mark 12: 29-31, New King James Version).   Going to church allows us to express our love for God as a community and, in turn, the overflow of that love pours out on to others.  We reach out to one another, ask about each other week, and pray for each others concerns.  Second, we go to further God’s Kingdom, “‘Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.’ Amen,” (Matthew 28: 19-20).  This is when “the equipping of the Saints” that Paul spoke about takes place.  We go to church, learn from God’s Word, and are prepared for our mission field – our place of employment, our homes, the places we go to run our errands.  Our life is a missions field!

While these reasons are the heart of our church service, there are also “lesser” purposes.  Being there, together as His body, is another way to encourage and support one another – again like Paul described.  Genuine worship is infectious!  Praying together is bonding.  Church builds community.  Church feeds the body.

Listen to another reason Jesus wants you to come to church, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light,” (Matthew 11: 28-29, New King James Version).

Not only do we give (and receive) encouragement and support from the rest of the body, but we are also refueled and refocused.  When we come to church, we are coming to Him.  Of course, we can also come to Him on our own at any time or place but the results are a little different.  Through worship, community prayer, and learning more about God under the spirit-led, Scripturally-sound teaching of a pastor, our souls are restored.  Our hearts and minds are refocused on Him.  We can follow Him more easily.  We are refueled for the week that lies ahead. The purpose of going to church is NEVER to see what we can get out of it, but, instead, it’s only to honor God.  These are the blessings that He pours upon His loving children.

After writing all of this, I’m wondering if you think I’m a dreamer – unrealistic.  I wonder that too, but then I think, doesn’t our God deserve a church like this?  Isn’t He worthy of our full attention and worship?  Isn’t He worth church services that are all about Him?  What do you think?  Please share your thoughts below!

Not surprisingly, I’ve gotten long winded again!  Since this is only half of what I wanted to share on this topic, I had better stop for now.  Tomorrow, we’ll get into the messy stuff – the signs that you’re in the wrong church.

In His Love,
Kimberly
kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com
http://on.fb.me/KimberlyEhlers
http://twitter.com/kimberlyehlers
Sometimes, it’s us that’s messy on the inside.  Our motives for going to church aren’t what they should be.  Maybe we think that our attendance will earn our child healing.  Maybe we’re more focused on the support we can get than we are on worshipping God.  Ouch!  That hurts, believe me, I know.  I’ve been there, done that, and do it again and again!  Grab the Messy Motives and Wrong Way Roads Bundle today.  Let’s get those Messy Motives cleaned up so we can honor God this Sunday at church!

{ 0 comments }

Christians Hurting Christians: How to Handle This Painful Situation by Kimberly Ehlers

by Kimberly on February 9, 2011

     A couple of weeks ago I posted a question asking if you have been hurt by fellow Christians and in what way (to see the original post go to http://kimberlyehlers.com/a-question-for-you/).  I asked because many people have come to my website as a result of their own hurt.
     Now, I do understand that people make mistakes and hurt others unintentionally.  The Lord knows the number of times I’ve done it myself better than I do.  That is why one of my regular prayers is for God to heal the hurt that I’ve caused unknowingly and for His help to not do it again!
     Sometimes, though, Christians feel righteous in judging others.  They hurt people and believe they’ve done a good thing for God by pointing out someone else’s errors.  I think of them as the “Job friends” of the world.  These are the people who would rather condemn you than walk with you.  They’re quick to point out your possible faults and slow to help you carry your burden.  Does this sound familiar to you?  I truly hope not.  I pray that you have nothing but love and support as you travel your journey.
     What does this kind of condemnation look like for a mom of a child with a serious illness?  Well, it could sound like, “Maybe if you prayed more your child would be healed,” or “Maybe you need to stop praying and start believing,” or “You must have a sin that you don’t see.”  Or, maybe, it’s a look of judgment, as your child’s disability or illness “disrupts” church.  What has been said or done to you that made you feel judged?
     I would like to share with you part of my response to a situation that a reader shared.  (You can find the full response in the comment section at http://kimberlyehlers.com/a-question-for-you/.)
    “You are absolutely right that we are to forgive. It’s a commandment given by God. The problem is that it’s not easy to do. It’s by the grace of God that we can forgive. My suggestion to you is to honestly think about whether or not you even want to forgive the old church and its members. If you do, begin the journey to forgiveness by asking God to: 1. heal the hurt they’ve caused 2. help you to forgive . BUT, if you find that you don’t want to forgive (which, by the way, is normal), begin there. Ask God to help you to even want to forgive them. Basically, I encourage you to be honest with God about your feelings and ask for His constant help to forgive. (You may even find that you need to ask His forgiveness for not forgiving – did that make sense?  )
     One of the misconceptions that I believe many Christians have about love and forgiveness is how we deal with the person who’s hurt us. God may lead you to a totally loving relationship where you do want to embrace this person some day. (He does do amazing things!) BUT, one way that we show love to others is by speaking truth to them. We think we’re being forgiving if we act like everything’s OK, while on the inside we boil. I think God makes it very clear throughout the Bible that we are to speak the truth. This person may need to hear truth about their behavior so that they can be set free from a sin. (Now, of course, it’s not for us to pin point their sin.) We do have to be prepared for them to not accept the truth we’ve told them, but, at least, you have honored God. To be able to forgive this church or, at least, this particular person, you may need to speak to them about how they hurt you.
     Also, be prepared to give yourself some grace. When you deal with this person, you may not do it the “perfect” Christian way. We all hope that we can speak the truth in love, but sometimes it doesn’t come out that way. All that you can do is keep giving it to God, seek His healing and His help – keep taking steps to forgiving.
     You may also find that God doesn’t lead you to speak to this person. He can still help you to have peace and a love for that person that isn’t the embracing kind.”

     Next time, I would like to talk with you a little bit about how to know if your church is the right one for you and your family. 
     I’d love to know your thoughts on this subject!  Please share below in the comment box.

In His Love,
Kimberly
Kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com
Are you getting my ezine The Heart Connection?  Find out why you should!  http://bit.ly/dKCttf

{ 2 comments }

A Question for YOU!

January 20, 2011
Sharing is Caring!

Do you know what breaks my heart? One of the biggest reasons people come to my site isn’t just because their child has a serious health problem like heart defects or cancer. They come because not only is their child struggling (and they are too) but because THEY’VE BEEN HURT BY OTHER CHRISTIANS. The very [...]

Read the full article →

The Blessings Defects Bring by Kimberly Ehlers

November 9, 2010
Sharing is Caring!

Sometimes I’m defensive.  It’s one of the rotten fruits of my flesh that I battle often.  A letter in a magazine would have encouraged gratitude in most, but in me, it stirred up that yucky stink.  This particular magazine had asked it’s readers to share what they’re thankful for this Thanksgiving season.  In response, a [...]

Read the full article →

← Previous Entries