Have you heard this conversation before?  “Maybe she drank while she was pregnant,” one might say.  The other responds, “Or was taking some kind of prescription drug…”  Or was the conversation more like this?  “She must have done something really wrong to deserve such a sick child,” says the first.  “God must be punishing her for something,” the other agrees.

You may have heard people bold enough to make such accusations.  These may also be the conversations that play out in you head.

When you have a child with a serious illness, like my son with congenital heart defects, you usually want to know why this has happened to your child.  What did you do wrong?  What can you do now to fix it?  People on the outside are frightened by a child’s illness and want to figure out the cause and how to avoid it.  If they’ve raised physically healthy children, they may feel a bit self-righteous and give themselves more credit than is actually deserved.

If someone is so audacious as to question your righteousness by asking if you have a sin you need to be forgiven of, they may also say they’re “trying to be helpful”.  Let God decide if their heart has pure motives or if they’re in fact being judgmental.

     My friend, your situation is hard enough right now.  As the saying goes, “With friends like these, who needs enemies?”  Avoid these people as much as you can, pray for them, and let God heal the hurt they’ve caused.  What do you do if you’re that person you need to avoid?  You dig into the Word of God and fill your mind with the truth.  It’s the only way to combat the enemy’s lies.  (Also make sure to spend time with people who encourage you.)  To help you get started, I’d like to share with you some verses from the book of Job.  Job knows a thing or two about self-righteous friends who know how to make a person feel even worse than they already do.

This is what his “friend”, Bildad, said, “If your sons have sinned against Him,
He has cast them away for their transgression. If you would earnestly seek God, And make your supplication to the Almighty, If you were pure and upright, Surely now He would awake for you, And prosper your rightful dwelling place…Can the papyrus grow up without a marsh?  Can the reeds flourish without water?  While it is yet green and not cut down, It withers before any other plant. So are the paths of all who forget God; And the hope of the hypocrite shall perish,” (Job 8:4-6, 11-13, NKJV).  Wow.  He has the nerve to tell Job that his sons died because they were sinners.  He also tells him that, obviously, he’s sinning and not seeking God enough – otherwise all of this would go away and everything would be fine again!  Poor Job’s reply was, “Truly I know it is so, But how can a man be righteous before God?… For He is not a man, as I am, That I may answer Him, And that we should go to court together. Nor is there any mediator between us, Who may lay his hand on us both,” (Job 9:2, 32-33, NKJV).  He is defeated.  What can he do?  He has no hope at all.

Dear One, this is where we differ from Job.  Yes, we are suffering and see no end in sight, but we have the perfect Mediator Job longed for.  We have Christ.  “For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus,” (1 Timothy 2:5, NKJV).  Not only are we now able to approach the throne boldly (Heb. 4:16) and pray for our needs, but we have Christ to lay His hand on both us and God.  He became our Mediator, our Savior, and paid for our sins (and much more!) all at the same time.  “And for this reason He is the Mediator of the new covenant, by means of death, for the redemption of the transgressions under the first covenant, that those who are called may receive the promise of the eternal inheritance,” (Heb. 9:15, NKJV).  Through His death, He opened the door to our forgiveness – all we need to do is ask.

We can take a different path than Job.  We can let the unwanted counsel of the judgmental, or the critical self-talk we use all to often, roll off our shoulders and cling to our Mediator instead.  We remind ourselves of what Christ has done for us and give thanks.  Oh, and if necessary, we can borrow a word from Job and say, “I am not inferior to you!” (Job 12:3) .

In His Love,
Kimberly
kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com

In my article, When Loved Ones Hit the Road, I shared with you my hurt over a loved one’s abandonment during our son’s open-heart surgery. 

Also in that article, I shared how to handle our “go to person” walking away, how to forgive, and how to open our hearts to trusting again.  “We go to our Father in prayer.  We tell Him of our hurt and ask Him to heal that hurt.  We ask Him to help us to truly forgive that person, and, honestly, it takes God at work in our hearts to be able to do that.  It isn’t something we can force, but, for our peace we need it.  We can recognize the old hurt, the anger, and the bitterness when it creeps up and immediately take it to God.  Give Him your heart to do His work in.  Then, we ask Him to help us find a true friend and to be able to trust again.  Simply put, we deal with the hurt WITH HIM.”

It occurred to me that I didn’t talk about a very key (and controversial) step – confrontation.  I think I left it out because it’s something I’m not good at.  I believe that “how to confront like a Christian” is a lesson God is still working in me.  The controversy, for me, begins with my belief that turning the other cheek meant to let others do whatever they want, forgive them, and if I couldn’t it meant I was sinning.  I’d actually do OK with all of it until that one last straw caused the dam to break on my anger.  Everything I ignored in the name of forgiveness, spewed out in a storm of hurtful words.  The forgiveness I thought I had given hadn’t been genuine at all.  My storm did nothing but create a bigger mess to clean up – much bigger than the initial sin against me, had I confronted the problem as Christ would have wanted me to.

Yes, Jesus instructed us all on how to confront others when needed.  Now, this person may have broken all ties and walked completely out of our lives.  We may not be able to confront them.  Often, though, we do still have some type of relationship with them.  They may be a family member whose connection to us is permanent.  They could be a friend who avoids the issue of our child’s health.  We maintain a friendship, but things are different now – we’re not as close because there’s an invisible wall between us.  Or, they may have said something so hurtful that seeing them is a constant source of pain. 

So, what exactly does Jesus say?  “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the plank in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the plank that is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother’s eye,” (Luke 6:41-42, New King James Version).

We have to step back and look at our own sin.  We’ve all heard of counting to 10 when we’re angry, right?  Well, this is God’s version of giving ourselves a “timeout”, but it’s much more effective.  He wants us to take a deep breath, look at our sin first, and repent.  This is where, I think, a lot of Christian women stop.  Jesus doesn’t want us to stop there though.  He wants us to remove our sin and then help our loved one to be free of theirs.  We know that we are commanded to love one another and letting someone drown in their sin is not loving.  By removing our plank, we humble ourselves and are more able to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15).  It also opens us to being able to communicate well with this person.  We are not yelling in anger, closed to what they have to say.  Instead, our hearts are open to the possibility that we may be confronted with a sin we have been blind to also.

In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus gives us further instruction, “‘Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.  But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that “by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.” And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector,’” (New King James Version). 

I have to admit that I’ve never witnessed confronting a wrong this way.  Have you?  I’m thankful that God is here to guide me through these situations.  One thing is clear, though, He doesn’t tell us to just drop it.  He doesn’t tell us to let it go and forget it.  It matters that you were hurt.  We can forgive and still not allow someone to treat us badly.  Forgiveness does not mean becoming a doormat.  It means letting go of the anger and, according to my dictionary, the desire to punish.   

If you do not confront the person who sinned against you, the hurt is allowed to remain.  It will become a stumbling block.  You will be reminded of the pain and trip over it again and again because you can not truly forgive.  A storm, created by the desire to see this person punished, will brew inside of you.  It will destroy the peace, joy, and love God wants for you.

Confronting like a Christian isn’t easy.  It takes practice and that means we’ll probably make mistakes.  As I tell my son, mistakes are how we learn.  Are you ready to learn with me?  (Hey, if you’re a pro at this, we’d love your advice!  Share with us below in the comment section!)

In His Love,

Kimberly

Hey!  Let’s chat on FB!  You can find me at http://on.fb.me/KimberlyEhlers .

OK, ready for the messy stuff?  If you missed yesterday’s article about what a church should be, I suggest you go back to that first at http://bit.ly/i7GoFA.  Please remember that we are not talking about a hurtful situation with an individual.  We’re talking about the health of a church or its unhealthy environment.

There are four signs that you are in the wrong church for your family.
1.  Your church isn’t God centered.  People come out of a sense of duty, not out of love of God.  Church is something they do on Sunday and it’s separate from the rest of their lives.  This is harder for us to see because we are all sinners and will fail more than once during our week.  It is clear, though, when a church body really loves God and when they don’t. Or their focus is purely the social aspect of church.  This can be tricky.  Caring for our brothers and sisters is fulfilling Jesus’ second commandment to love our neighbors.  It becomes a problem though, when we go to church centered on catching up with so-and-so instead of centered on worshipping God.  A church centered on the body may be warm, but it will slip farther and farther away from God, even disobeying His commands in order to be “loving”. 

2.  Your church is centered on “feeling good”.  Sadly, some churches have become so centered on being encouraging that their sermons have become less about the teachings of the Bible and more on making parishioners feel good.  Let me be clear that I do not believe in beating people up with the Bible, but everyone needs the Word of God as it’s written.  You, especially, my friend, need to be fed His truth as you deal with your child’s illness.  Life is hard.  Thank God we have his Word to guide us.  It is rich and teaches so much.  You need a church dedicated to teaching from the Bible and not just seeking out the verses they like and will make us feel good. 

3.  Your church doesn’t accept your family.  If your church treats your child’s disabilities or health problems as an annoyance, this is not the church for you.  If you don’t feel comfortable and accepted it will interfere with your ability to worship.  Let’s face it, your child’s health may already make it difficult to truly worship, but if you also have to deal with cruel looks and whispers, worship is next to impossible.  Not that you ask for it, but your church should be seeking ways to help you, not judge you.  You have such a humble heart and don’t expect anyone to do anything for you, but if someone else were in your position, wouldn’t you reach out to them?  I know, my sweet friend, that you would.

It all comes down to this: THE CHURCH IS NOT FUNCTIONING AS A BODY OF CHRIST!
 
I’d also like to share with you a physical sign that you are in the wrong church.  A couple of years ago, my family left our beloved church.  It was a very hard situation.  We knew we had to leave for a variety of reasons, the biggest being that God was no longer center.  After services my husband and I would go home feeling completely drained.  It was exhausting.  It came to the point where my husband said that he just could not go again.  When I’ve talked with other people who have left their churches, they mention the same drained feeling.

So, what do you do if you know that you’re in the wrong church for your family?  Dear friend, you pray and you dedicate yourself to honoring God.  By staying in a church that is centered on its people or itself, you are only giving them the OK to not be Christ centered.  In our situation, my husband met with our pastor and they discussed why we were leaving.  That discussion also made it clear that we were doing the right thing.

You may feel that God wants to use you to make changes in your church.  First, ask yourself if this is a situation that can be changed by talking or is it bigger?  Is it an environment that’s well established and not open to change?  You will get a clearer picture by taking your concerns to your pastor or a church elder.  This is part of their role.  Also, make sure it is really God giving you that guidance and not false guilt or a sense of loyalty.  Our loyalty needs to be to God alone.  We should never choose dedication to a particular church building over complete dedication to God.

Dear one, keep in mind that you are already living with a long battle as you daily care for you child.  Changing a church’s ways is probably not a battle God is also asking you to take on.  

Is leaving a church, even one where you are not accepted, hard?  Yes.  We can feel as though we’re not being good Christians by abandoning a church.  We may feel like we need a church because it’s part of being a Christian.  God wants us to be part of His body, it’s true.  Can I tell you though, when it gets down to just being you and God and no church between you – well, that’s when you really learn to worship.  Your relationship with God deepens when it’s just you, Him, and His Word.  Family devotions are powerful because they are your church time.  (If you need family devotions, check out my Family Challenge Devotions.)  You get back to what church is really all about – loving Him.

I love what a friend told me recently when we were discussing her family leaving their church.  She said, “We’re not church seeking.  We’re church waiting.”  If you know you’re in the wrong church, dear one, God has the right place for you.  Wait for it.

I do hope that no one thinks that I take leaving a church lightly or am pushing you to leave your church.  A reader told me that she’s sickened by the idea of playing church.  I have to completely agree.  After all, we don’t have time to play around.  Our kids need us to feverishly seek the One, True God.  We need the church Paul describes, “And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ; that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ— from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love,” (Ephesians 4:11-16, New King James Version).

I would LOVE to hear how you’ve been blessed by your church body!  Share your story below!

In His Love,
Kimberly
kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com
http://on.fb.me/KimberlyEhlers
http://twitter.com/kimberlyehlers

Are you without a church now?  Would you like to help to keep God centered?  Would you like FREE family devotions?  The Heart Connection will give you both – absolutely, totally FREE!  Sign up today at http://bit.ly/dKCttf.

Yesterday, we began our discussion about how to handle being hurt by other Christians.  One of the places we can experience this hurt is in the very place we should feel the safest – in our church.  If you’ve experienced a specific incident with a particular person, I suggest that you refer back to yesterday’s post at http://bit.ly/huxeTn .  Today, we’re looking at the bigger picture of the church environment, and if it’s the right place for your family.

Let’s start by talking about what a church should be.  This is the measuring stick we use to determine the health of a church.  This is Paul’s description of how the body of Christ (the church) should function:

“And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ; that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ— from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love,” (Ephesians 4:11-16, New King James Version).

Isn’t that a beautiful picture?  Christians loving, supporting, helping one another, and growing together in Christ.  It also helps us to understand why we go to church on Sunday. 

There are two main reasons we go.  First, we come to worship God together as brothers and sisters in Christ, living Jesus’ commandment, “Jesus answered him, ‘The first of all the commandments is: “Hear, O Israel, the LORD our God, the LORD is one.  And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.” This is the first commandment.  And the second, like it, is this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” There is no other commandment greater than these,” (Mark 12: 29-31, New King James Version).   Going to church allows us to express our love for God as a community and, in turn, the overflow of that love pours out on to others.  We reach out to one another, ask about each other week, and pray for each others concerns.  Second, we go to further God’s Kingdom, “‘Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.’ Amen,” (Matthew 28: 19-20).  This is when “the equipping of the Saints” that Paul spoke about takes place.  We go to church, learn from God’s Word, and are prepared for our mission field – our place of employment, our homes, the places we go to run our errands.  Our life is a missions field!

While these reasons are the heart of our church service, there are also “lesser” purposes.  Being there, together as His body, is another way to encourage and support one another – again like Paul described.  Genuine worship is infectious!  Praying together is bonding.  Church builds community.  Church feeds the body.

Listen to another reason Jesus wants you to come to church, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light,” (Matthew 11: 28-29, New King James Version).

Not only do we give (and receive) encouragement and support from the rest of the body, but we are also refueled and refocused.  When we come to church, we are coming to Him.  Of course, we can also come to Him on our own at any time or place but the results are a little different.  Through worship, community prayer, and learning more about God under the spirit-led, Scripturally-sound teaching of a pastor, our souls are restored.  Our hearts and minds are refocused on Him.  We can follow Him more easily.  We are refueled for the week that lies ahead. The purpose of going to church is NEVER to see what we can get out of it, but, instead, it’s only to honor God.  These are the blessings that He pours upon His loving children.

After writing all of this, I’m wondering if you think I’m a dreamer – unrealistic.  I wonder that too, but then I think, doesn’t our God deserve a church like this?  Isn’t He worthy of our full attention and worship?  Isn’t He worth church services that are all about Him?  What do you think?  Please share your thoughts below!

Not surprisingly, I’ve gotten long winded again!  Since this is only half of what I wanted to share on this topic, I had better stop for now.  Tomorrow, we’ll get into the messy stuff – the signs that you’re in the wrong church.

In His Love,
Kimberly
kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com
http://on.fb.me/KimberlyEhlers
http://twitter.com/kimberlyehlers
Sometimes, it’s us that’s messy on the inside.  Our motives for going to church aren’t what they should be.  Maybe we think that our attendance will earn our child healing.  Maybe we’re more focused on the support we can get than we are on worshipping God.  Ouch!  That hurts, believe me, I know.  I’ve been there, done that, and do it again and again!  Grab the Messy Motives and Wrong Way Roads Bundle today.  Let’s get those Messy Motives cleaned up so we can honor God this Sunday at church!

     A couple of weeks ago I posted a question asking if you have been hurt by fellow Christians and in what way (to see the original post go to http://kimberlyehlers.com/a-question-for-you/).  I asked because many people have come to my website as a result of their own hurt.
     Now, I do understand that people make mistakes and hurt others unintentionally.  The Lord knows the number of times I’ve done it myself better than I do.  That is why one of my regular prayers is for God to heal the hurt that I’ve caused unknowingly and for His help to not do it again!
     Sometimes, though, Christians feel righteous in judging others.  They hurt people and believe they’ve done a good thing for God by pointing out someone else’s errors.  I think of them as the “Job friends” of the world.  These are the people who would rather condemn you than walk with you.  They’re quick to point out your possible faults and slow to help you carry your burden.  Does this sound familiar to you?  I truly hope not.  I pray that you have nothing but love and support as you travel your journey.
     What does this kind of condemnation look like for a mom of a child with a serious illness?  Well, it could sound like, “Maybe if you prayed more your child would be healed,” or “Maybe you need to stop praying and start believing,” or “You must have a sin that you don’t see.”  Or, maybe, it’s a look of judgment, as your child’s disability or illness “disrupts” church.  What has been said or done to you that made you feel judged?
     I would like to share with you part of my response to a situation that a reader shared.  (You can find the full response in the comment section at http://kimberlyehlers.com/a-question-for-you/.)
    “You are absolutely right that we are to forgive. It’s a commandment given by God. The problem is that it’s not easy to do. It’s by the grace of God that we can forgive. My suggestion to you is to honestly think about whether or not you even want to forgive the old church and its members. If you do, begin the journey to forgiveness by asking God to: 1. heal the hurt they’ve caused 2. help you to forgive . BUT, if you find that you don’t want to forgive (which, by the way, is normal), begin there. Ask God to help you to even want to forgive them. Basically, I encourage you to be honest with God about your feelings and ask for His constant help to forgive. (You may even find that you need to ask His forgiveness for not forgiving – did that make sense?  )
     One of the misconceptions that I believe many Christians have about love and forgiveness is how we deal with the person who’s hurt us. God may lead you to a totally loving relationship where you do want to embrace this person some day. (He does do amazing things!) BUT, one way that we show love to others is by speaking truth to them. We think we’re being forgiving if we act like everything’s OK, while on the inside we boil. I think God makes it very clear throughout the Bible that we are to speak the truth. This person may need to hear truth about their behavior so that they can be set free from a sin. (Now, of course, it’s not for us to pin point their sin.) We do have to be prepared for them to not accept the truth we’ve told them, but, at least, you have honored God. To be able to forgive this church or, at least, this particular person, you may need to speak to them about how they hurt you.
     Also, be prepared to give yourself some grace. When you deal with this person, you may not do it the “perfect” Christian way. We all hope that we can speak the truth in love, but sometimes it doesn’t come out that way. All that you can do is keep giving it to God, seek His healing and His help – keep taking steps to forgiving.
     You may also find that God doesn’t lead you to speak to this person. He can still help you to have peace and a love for that person that isn’t the embracing kind.”

     Next time, I would like to talk with you a little bit about how to know if your church is the right one for you and your family. 
     I’d love to know your thoughts on this subject!  Please share below in the comment box.

In His Love,
Kimberly
Kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com
Are you getting my ezine The Heart Connection?  Find out why you should!  http://bit.ly/dKCttf

Do you know what breaks my heart? One of the biggest reasons people come to my site isn’t just because their child has a serious health problem like heart defects or cancer. They come because not only is their child struggling (and they are too) but because THEY’VE BEEN HURT BY OTHER CHRISTIANS. The very people they should feel safe and supported by are hurting them. I’ve been there too.
This is a serious topic. I would like to know how I can better serve you in addressing this issue. My question to you is really two, “Have you been hurt by fellow Christians? In what way?”
Do you feel unwelcome in church? Has your faith been belittled? Have you been stung by harsh words.
You are welcome to share below in the comment box, but because this is a sensitive matter, you are welcome to e-mail your answers to me at kimberly@kimberlyehlers.com .
Thank you for doing this. I believe this something that God wants to put an end to (Christians hurting others). He also wants to heal the hurt you’ve suffered.

In His Love,
Kimberly

Sometimes I’m defensive.  It’s one of the rotten fruits of my flesh that I battle often.  A letter in a magazine would have encouraged gratitude in most, but in me, it stirred up that yucky stink. 

This particular magazine had asked it’s readers to share what they’re thankful for this Thanksgiving season.  In response, a mother wrote about meeting another mother whose child was very sick and always had been.  This mother realized how much she had to be thankful for because her child is healthy.

My first reaction was to tense my shoulders and think, “Does she think she’s more blessed because her child is healthy?  Does she think she received a blessing, and I didn’t?” (That is rotten thinking isn’t it!?)  That probably isn’t what she thinks, but it was clear that she doesn’t have any idea of the blessing our loving Father pours upon us – the families of a sick child. 

My second reaction was to write my own letter to this magazine (and maybe I still will).  This is what I’d say:

I’m that mom you mentioned.  The mom of a child with major health problems – my son’s being multiple heart defects.  I’d like to tell you something that may shock you.  If God gave me the opportunity to go back in time and let Seth be born with a healthy heart, I would have to say, “No, thank you.”  Yes, even knowing the pain he’s suffered from surgeries, his struggles with low oxygen, and all the tears of worry I’d cry, I wouldn’t change anything.  God has used Seth’s sick heart to bless us beyond our imagination and grow a boy who encourages others like no one else can.

The day our son was born began with joy and excitement.  It ended with our world turned upside down.  Would our son live?  What kind of life would he have? 

Because of those heart defects, my big strong husband, with his precious baby boy in his helpless hands, finally knew that he had to put his own life in His Father’s hands.  Those defects saved his eternal life.

Those same defects lead my son at the age of 11 back to the operating room for his second open-heart surgery.  They also led him to make the faith of his parents his very own.  This is what he told me later, “I knew you and Dad couldn’t help me.  I had to decide if I was going to trust God or not.”  We walked with peace and trust into the operating room and he laid himself down on that table where he knew they’d take a knife to his chest.  I had thought it strange that he had to walk to the operating room, but it ended up being a very profound moment in my son’s walk of faith.  He could have fought what was about to happen. He could have run, but he willingly surrendered to God’s hands.

Now, at age 12, and with a healthy heart for the first time in his life, the blessings of deep faith and life changing lessons learned are used to serve him and his family as we face my mom’s cancer. 

He has cried for his beloved grandma, she means so much to him.  When the tears settle though, he trusts the God who gave him faith and health to do the same for her.  As he says, “You gain a lot of faith when you go through something like I went through.”

Being able to watch our 11 year journey with heart defects has strengthened my mom’s faith and encourages her that she can get through the next 6 months of treatments.  With her permission, I’d like to share with you something she wrote to me recently, “knowing God is near, to call on him, and always pray what is in my heart gives me hope and faith for the days ahead… and I will always praise Him because there are so many reasons to do so – most especially all God did for Seth. Miracles do happen or prayers do work or simply our God is an awesome God.”  I am so thankful that my mom is exactly where she needs to be during her battle with cancer – at the feet of Jesus. 

So, this Thanksgiving and all year around, I am thankful my family has been able to walk this amazing journey of faith.  And it’s all because of a few defects…

Now, I’m not asking you to jump up and down with joy over your child’s health problems.  I’m sure, though, that you have witnessed blessings that others don’t get to experience because of this illness.  Please share what you are thankful for below in the comment box.  I would love to hear the good God is working out of what satan meant for evil!

In His Love,
Kimberly

(Welcome to part 2 of my “Ambushed by Christians” series!  If you didn’t read part 1, you’ll want to do that now.  If you did, are you ready to find out more about what this armor is, and how to use it?  Good! )

Paul describes the armor beautifully in Ephesians 6:14-18 (NKJ),  “Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness,  and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace;  above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.  And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God;  praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints.”  I included verse 18 because, if you’ve read my other articles and books, you know that I refer to Philippians 4:6-7 often.  If you haven’t read it before, please do now.  Did you notice that both verses tell us to pray and ask humbly (supplicate)?  Hmmm…. Paul must feel that’s pretty important, wouldn’t you say?  Now, back to the armor; as I read through this list of pieces to put on – truth, righteousness, readiness to share the Gospel, faith, and salvation – I realize that all of these things come directly from God.  Jesus, and our belief in Him, makes us righteous.  As we spend time in His Word, God teaches and changes us.  His truth, His gospel of peace, His Word all become part of who we are.  He grows our faith.  Salvation is a complete gift that is both our helmet and crown.  We can’t produce any of these things on our own.  So, all we need to do is keep getting to know our Father and ask every morning to be covered from head to toe in His perfect armor.

With your armor securely on, you will find that those fiery darts no longer penetrate your heart.  Oh, there will be times that you feel the sting, but those times will come less often as your relationship with the Lord grows.  You’ll also find it easier to turn those hurtful words over to God instead of allowing them to become a part of who you are, I like did when I allowed the “pray less/believe more” comment to throw me into a state of confusion.

It may be hard to believe, but there is one more thing we need to go along with our armor, as awesome as it is.  We also need to ask God for wisdom.  He will help us to know how to handle hurtful words and remember that our battle really isn’t against this particular person, it’s bigger than that.  Against unasked for advice, He may simply protect us by closing our ears, guarding our hearts, and *shutting our mouths*.  Some people just will not “get” any kind of reprimand,  (Matthew 7:6, New American Standard Bible) “Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”  So true, isn’t it?  Saying anything at all to some people will only backfire and hurt us more.  He will also guide you when it is time for you to tell a person the truth WITH LOVE – like with those “fixers” in your life who are honestly just trying to help.

I wish I could make things easy for you, my friend, and tell you exactly what to say every time, but every interaction is so different.  God alone has the wisdom for each situation.

You will also need God’s wisdom to help you find that safe person (or 2!) who can listen and be your prayer partner.  They also need to be someone you can be honest with and tell if something they’ve said hurts you and why.  It’s bound to happen.  At some point you will feel defensive or they will mess up, but friends can work those issues out.  They value the truth because they care about their relationship with you.  If you don’t have anyone, ask Him to provide that special friend.  Be open to this kind of deep friendship and trust God to protect your heart.  I can’t recommend our Yahoo group, Parents Heart to Heart at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ParentsHTH/ enough.  There is just no better place to find a whole group of parents who completely understand what you’re going through.  Sure, our circumstances are all different, but we all “get” what it’s like to parent a child with illnesses.

Once you find that friend (or group!) you feel like you could open up to, I suggest that you start by being honest about what you would like before you let your feelings fly.  Let them know that sometimes you need someone to merely listen and to pray with you.  Assure them that they don’t need to have any answers, you just need a good shoulder every once in awhile. 

Oh, I can hear you saying, “But, Kim, I don’t want to be a needy demanding friend!”  You’re right, no one likes being around someone who only seems to take, but that’s not really the same thing.  You’re developing a true friendship.  That friend will be there for you in the bad and the good, and you’ll be there for them too.

Does it sound like a dream?  Can you really leave your foxhole and make the friendships that you need?   Yes, dear one, you can.  With your armor on snuggly and God as your guide, you can dodge fiery darts AND develop meaningful relationships at the same time.

So, *soldier*, what are you waiting for?  Get geared up and head out to the front lines – God has you covered!

In His Love,

Kimberly

Feel like there’s just something between you and God, keeping the lines of communication plugged?  Open up those lines with the “Messy Motives and Wrong-Way Roads Bundle“!  You can also find the individual pieces of this awesome set here.

(First article of a two part series.)

What’s going on?  You didn’t ask for this!  You don’t remember ever signing up to be shot at with fiery darts or arrows.  All you know is that one day, it happened, one arrow was shot at you, and then suddenly there was another, then another.  These arrows aren’t made of wood and fire, oh, no, they’d be too easy to see coming.  They’re invisible and that makes them almost impossible to defend.  They always hit their target – your heart.  They are sharp, deadly WORDS. Now, you’re in the middle of this one sided war, hiding in your foxhole, praying the enemy will just give up or get bored and leave you alone.

Fellow reluctant soldier, have you been wounded by any of these effective, but common, attack tactics?  Tactic 1, The Sneak Attack: You’re enjoying a pleasant conversation with a fellow Christian when suddenly you’re blindsided.  Dazed by the direct hit to your heart, you repeat their words in your head, “Maybe if you prayed more…”.  I wonder if you’ve ever been wounded by the same Sneak Attack fired at me, in a rare moment of opening up and sharing my hurt and worry, I was hit with, “Well, maybe you need to stop praying and start believing.”  Ouch.  That single comment led me to months of beating myself up for not having enough faith.  I wrestled with how I was suppose to even pray.  Oh, but then there was the comment (another Sneak Attack, drat!) that almost earned a black eye, “But, you know, if Seth dies, he’ll be in a better place.”  (This was said when he probably wasn’t even a week old, and I wanted so badly just to take him home and be his mother.)  Or, how about Tactic 2, The Broad Daylight Attack?  You have a person you dread seeing because you know they’ll come at you with guns blazing.  You spot them coming, try to get away, but there is nothing you can do.  They hunt you down and when they’re finally satisfied that they’ve shown you the errors of your ways they leave picked apart and bloodied.  Then there’s Tactic 3, otherwise known as The God Bomb. It’s the common, “Well, God said…”.  As soon as those words are spoken, you brace yourself for either a blessing or a fiery dart.  You have no way of knowing if you’re going to be encouraged or slaughtered until it’s over.

We could go on couldn’t we?  I’m sure you’ve been stung by harsh “advice” like this and worse from fellow Christians.  Notice I didn’t say, “Well meaning” Christians.  I’m not convinced that their intentions are always good.  Sometimes Christians are down right judgmental and believe your sin is the cause of your child’s health problems.  Other Christians do mean well (even the ones who tell you that your child is better off dead).  They just don’t know how to be supportive and end up unintentionally saying something hurtful.  Still others try to smoother you and “fix” things.  They assume they know what needs to be done and step all over your toes, leaving you frustrated in their effort to help. 

These surprise and not so surprising attacks make it tempting to stay in your foxhole and avoid enemy fire at all cost.  Keeping people at a distance and guarding your heart sound like wise survival techniques.  But just surviving isn’t living the abundant life that Jesus wants for us, ( John 10:10, NIV)”The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”  In fact, hiding out isn’t really living at all, is it?  We need to not only be free to live, but we really need to reach out because this burden of worry and fear is just too much for one person to carry.  Of course, God is with us, but He also wants us to be blessed by true friendship – the kind that willingly walks through storms together.  With these friends we can put our concerns and hurt into words and speak them out loud.  It’s amazing at how quickly our problems lose power when they are named.  Suddenly they are smaller and their grip on our hearts loosen.  We also gain the power that comes from another person’s prayers.  That’s what a true friend will do for you.  You’re sorrow becomes their prayer.

What happens when you stay quiet about whatever is on your heart?  Satan dances with joy.  He has you right where he wants you.   He knows that your worries and fears will grow until they are larger than life and control you.  He also knows that they will build a wall between you and the one you need most – God.  We have to understand that when we are stuck in fear, we are not trusting God and our relationship is damaged.  Now, avoid the temptation to beat yourself if you recognize that is exactly where you are.  Simply go to your Father, ask for forgiveness and His help to trust Him.
OK, so the answer isn’t to shun people for the rest of our lives, but what do you do?  Let’s start by recognizing that we’re dealing with 2 different kinds of situations.  In one, we have the times that people are offering unsolicited advice.  You may be making small talk with them when they zap you with their dart.  They may even go so far as to seek you out just so they can give you their opinion.  In the other situation, you are reaching out to someone because you need support.  Your heart lies wide open, and they sting you with their harsh point of view.

Both situations hurt because no one knows your struggle like you do.  They don’t know how much you’ve prayed or how hard you’ve fought to have faith.  They have no idea what you go through on a daily basis.
So, back to our question, what do we do?  First, we have to recognize our need for our Father’s protection.  Paul tells us exactly why we need God’s special armor in Ephesians 6:11-12 (NKJ), “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”  Then, we determine to never leave home without it.  Forget home!  We should never let our feet hit the bedroom floor before putting it on each morning!

(Don’t worry!  Part 2 is coming on Thursday .  Stay tuned to find out more about the armor, how to put it on, how to use it AND make REAL friend!)

In His Love,

Kimberly

Have you picked up your copy of “The Faith Challenge” yet?  Dear friend, don’t wait any longer to grow that faith – you need it !

During the whole process of getting Seth through his surgery and recovery, I was deeply hurt by a person I love. I felt abandoned and shocked that they of all people would hit the road when they were needed most. This person hadn’t called or visited during his hospital stay. It was around 2 weeks after surgery before they finally called to see how Seth was, and it was a strange call – something had come between us.

I confess that I have struggled to forgive them. Some days I feel OK about them, then the next, my heart will be twisted by the little questions, “Why weren’t they there?” or “How could they do that to us?”

The other morning I was reading the October 20 devotion from Our Daily Bread (Sept., Oct., Nov., 2009).  (Yes, I’m one of those people who has a collection of devotionals and doesn’t necessarily follow them in order.)Philip Yancey quotes Jean Vanier (founder of L’Arche for the developmentally disabled) who said, “Wounded people who have been broken by suffering and sickness ask for only one thing: a heart that loves and commits itself to them, a heart full of hope for them.”

Wow. It was my light bulb moment. That explained exactly why I was so hurt and unforgiving. I wanted that, and thought I had it in this particular person. I wanted their commitment to my family and for them to be courageous enough to have hope with us.

Now, I know that the theory is that as a Christian all we need is God.  That is true, but I believe He created us to be gifts to one another.  It’s the second part of the Great Commandment, “And to love others as you love yourself.”  That’s how important good relationships are.

Yes, we could do this life without anyone else because we have God, but even He knew how much we need one another.  We need that person we can talk to about anything.  We need someone to hug.  We need someone on our side.  Life is hard.  We need one another.

So what do we do when our “go to” person has walked away?  How do we forgive?  And how do we ever have the courage to trust another human?
We go to our Father in prayer.  We tell Him of our hurt and ask Him to heal that hurt.  We ask Him to help us to truly forgive that person, and, honestly, it takes God at work in our hearts to be able to do that.  It isn’t something we can force, but, for our peace we need it.  We can recognize the old hurt, the anger, and the bitterness when it creeps up and immediately take it to God.  Give Him your heart to do His work in.  Then, we ask Him to help us find a true friend and to be able to trust again.  Simply put, we deal with the hurt WITH HIM.

We also learn a lesson, that people do fail us, and someone probably will hurt us again.  That’s what humans do even without trying.  In Job 6: 14-15 we read, “A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty.  But my brothers are as undependable as intermittent streams…”  (NIV). 

That doesn’t give us much hope for true friendship or reliable relatives does it?  What can we do?  We choose to let God guard our hearts so that we can be willing to try friendship again.   Or, maybe, we need to start with asking Him to help us to even want a friend again.   

We also have to accept that we will have to keep going to God with this hurt until He has completely healed it.

I know… my old hurt has been putting a squeeze on my heart this week.  It came as a surprise and the reminder of what I’ve lost makes me sad.  So, once again, I go to God.  I give Him my heart, ask for His help, and trust that He is working for my best.

This week’s A Parent’s Heart question is directly related to this article.  I would love to know how YOU deal with abandonment.  Please go to www.kimberlyehlers.com/a-parents-heart to find my questions for you and take a moment to share.  You could be such a blessing to another parent! 

Unlike Job’s friends, we’re not here to judge one another and point out each other’s mistakes.  We’re here to walk with each other through the pain while we keep our eyes on the Father – the one who will NEVER abandon us.  When the road gets tough, Jesus will be by our side.

In His Love,

Kimberly