Just when I think life couldn’t get much better (my son has a normal oxygen level for the first time in his life, praise God!), God gives me a wake up call. “Things aren’t so great,” He tells me. “You’re carrying around some junk that will destroy you and the ones you love if you keep it hidden, but alive and well, in the darkest part of your heart.” OK, He didn’t say exactly that, but after the dust settled, it was the message I received very clearly.
My Friday evening started off so well! I got to go to an all ladies jewelry party. It was so much fun to look at pretty things with other women. As a homeschooling mom, I cherish those times! When I had left home, my son wasn’t feeling the best – he was suffering from a headache that just wouldn’t stop. After the party, before beginning the drive home, I called to check on him. My husband informed me that Seth had gotten worse, he had been sick to his stomach too.
When I got home, Seth had made his bed in front of the toilet. I checked his temperature, no fever. The pain from the headache was just bad enough to make him sick. As I sat with him and talked, he got sick again, missing the toilet for the most part. It was a mess to clean up – him and the bathroom. (Sorry for the gory details, but they are important.) I scrubbed, my husband remained oblivious to the mess, and the ugliness rose inside of me. I just knew he wasn’t helping because he had already cleaned up a mess earlier. In that instant all the messes I’ve had to clean up, all the bloody diapers I changed (caused by severe food allergies), all the trips Seth and I made to the doctor and hospital filled my whole being.
As the main caregiver of a child with multiple medical problems, that’s what life is all about most days. You are constantly checking to make sure everything is OK and responding when they’re not. I wondered how my husband could ever feel that cleaning up one mess was enough. I felt belittled, like all I’ve done didn’t matter and wasn’t noticed. The ugliness grew and grew. Truth mixed with lies. I angrily and sarcastically thanked him for his help.
Bitterness. It filled me, oozed out through my words and actions. I hadn’t even known it was there, yet now it was consuming me. It destroyed the peace in my home for too long. I hate to even think of how witnessing my bitter response affected my son. What scared me the most was how bitterness shut my heart off completely from feeling love. Love was the last thing I wanted or cared about. The acknowledgment of all that I had done was what mattered.
Finally, God broke through my wall and I was able to explain my feelings to my husband. He hadn’t realized how stressful Seth’s medical problems had been for me. Because I am the main caregiver, there has been a lot that my husband hasn’t had to deal with – he, after all, is working to support us. I was able to talk openly and honestly about it all, and he’s beginning to understand.
My husband has been able to embrace our son’s healthy new life. He’s made the switch from having a boy with multiple heart defects to having a boy with an almost perfect heart very easily. While I rejoice in this new life, it hasn’t been so easy for me to change. My role is changing. Fears have been put to rest. My days are completely different now.
And now’s the time for my healing too. All I can do is ask for forgiveness from Him and those I hurt, and turn myself completely over to His care.
Our falls and our failures don’t feel good. We would love to handle every situation as a perfect Christian would. I am so thankful that God doesn’t call us to be perfect. He just calls us to love Him. His grace and His desire to make our lives better will always amaze me. He could leave me to nurture and grow my bitterness, and it would become my master. Bitterness would dictate what I did and how I lived. I would live for that beast instead of for Him.
I thank God for hitting me over the head with a lesson I needed to learn. Just as He operated on my son’s heart to bring it healing, He operated on my disease to give me health.
How about you, dear one? Ready to let God operate? He’s the great surgeon. Let Him into your heart to do the work that needs to be done.
In His Love,
Kimberly
Ready to remove any bitterness that’s hiding (or maybe it’s not so hidden!) in your heart? Let “The Faith Challenge” bring you healing. You can find it at:
www.kimberlyehlers.com/the-faith-challenge
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