marriage

My Interview with Jane – Child’s Illness, Stress, Marriage, and Money

by Kimberly on May 16, 2012

Jane VanOsdol of www.onlybyprayer.com and I had such a good time talking during her Talkshoe program the other week.  If you haven’t had the opportunity to listen to it yet, I wanted to make it easy for you to do so.

We talked about so many things! From stress management to the strain illness can cause marriages (and what to do about it) to getting the emotional and financial help you need.  That’s just the beginning!  I LOVED my time with Jane, and I know this discussion will bless you as much as it did me.  To listen, follow this link to Jane’s site: http://onlybyprayer.com/parenting-chronically-ill-children-with-kimberly-ehlers/

When you get there, you’ll see the player (a small arrow) at the end of the article under the Sharing is Caring options.  If the interview does bless you, please take a few seconds to use those options to share with your friends and family.  After you listen, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

In His Love,

Kimberly

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3 Warning Signs Your Child’s Illness is Destroying Your Marriage

by Kimberly on April 22, 2012

Yep, there are only 3 warning signs that your child’s illness is destroying your marriage.  I really wish there were more.  I’d love to give you a long list that would give you some breathing room and not add to your stress.  I’d love it if the list were so long you could say,”Well, OK, so my husband and I have trouble in 2 areas, but there are 5 (or 10 or 20) where we’re doing really well.  We’re not so bad!”.  But there aren’t 10 or 20 warning signs to watch out for – there are only 3.

You may have noticed that since discovering your child’s health problem your marriage has been on rocky ground.  (Praise God and thank Him endlessly if your marriage is one of the rare ones that actually became stronger because of the illness.) As I shared with Jane of www.onlybyprayer.com during our recent interview, satan is our adversary.  It’s who he is and it’s what he does.  He loves to throw adversity into our paths.  When our child has an illness it’s as if our marriage now has a giant target on it.  We now have a weak spot and you can count on the devil to shoot at it over and over again.

BUT, if you know these 3 warning signs (because there’s only 3, they’re easier to remember), you will be able to recognize them right away and join Christ in battling them.  The battle is God’s, but we have to cooperate.  “You will not  need  to fight in this  battle.  Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord, who is with you, O Judah and Jerusalem! Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the Lord  is  with you.” (2 Chronicles 20:17 NKJV) We show up to the battle, confront it head on, and God does the fighting for us.  When we show up to the battle, we are choosing sides.  It’s at that moment that we decide whose plan we want to follow – the devil’s or God’s. We face these decisions all the time. Something or someone pushes us to the brink and our flesh wants badly to respond in a way that we know doesn’t please God.  It’s at that moment when we have to decide who we’ll obey – the devil and our fleshly desires or God.  Let’s look at the 3 warnings which are also lies satan would love for us to swallow.  Following the warnings/lies, you will find verses that reveal God’s truth.

Warnings/LiesGod’s Truth
#1 Spending time alone with my husband isn’t important. When’s the last time you went on a date and didn’t talk about your child or money?

#2 I’m the expert. You not only believe you know better than your spouse when it comes to caring for your child, but you also believe you love your child more.

#3 If I do need advice, my husband is the last person I’d ask. You will search the internet or ask your Twitter friends for their opinion before you even mention a problem to your spouse.

#1 “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband,” (1 Corinithians 7:3, NKJV)

#2 “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5, NKJV)

#3 “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband,” (Ephesians 5:33, NKJV).

Why are these warnings so bad?  Each way of thinking serves to separate you from your husband.  They bring division into our homes when we need to be a united front more than ever.

You may struggle with leaving your child in anyone’s care.  If you have never had someone else watch him or her, I suggest that you start small.  Have someone come over so you and your husband can take a short walk together or spend 1/2 an hour at the local coffee shop.  You can slowly make your dates a little longer each time so that everyone’s comfortable.

Now, if you will not leave your child with your husband (either because you don’t trust him or he’s nervous about the idea) things need to change.  Your husband needs to learn what is involved in caring for your child for a couple of reasons:

1.  He will better understand the amount of stress you are under and be able to give you the help you need.

2.  What if something happened to you?  This was another great point my friend, Jane, made.  It would be horrible if you were unable to take care of your child and your husband didn’t know how.

What do you do if you struggle with any of these warnings?

  • Print out the verses under the God’s Truth tab and repeat them often. It will take awhile, but the more you repeat them and practice living them the sooner you will find yourself believing them.
  • Spend time with God digging into why you struggle with a certain warning/lie.  Ask Him to reveal His truth and heal the hurts you’ve suffered or lies you’ve believed.
  • The next time you are on the battle lines and you have to decide between following the lie or trusting in God’s truth, choose to follow God and hand the battle over to Him.

What’s your biggest struggle?  Did any of the verses about God’s Truths stick out to you as being tough?

In His Love,

Kimberly

photo by: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125

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How to Survive Your Child’s Illness by Kimberly Ehlers

by Kimberly on March 7, 2012

My hearts desire, the purpose of this site, is to help you stay close to God throughout your child’s illness because He is the “secret” to your survival.  By survival I mean facing each and every day knowing that, come what may, God is with you, in control, and working for your child’s (and your) good.  In that knowledge you can experience peace, faith, and even joy instead of fear, doubt, and stress.  Surviving also means knowing that when you fall short of being the mom or daughter of God you want to be, you can start over again.

Every post, every edition of The Heart Connection, and every product in my e-store has been created to serve that goal.  I’ve realized, though, that all that I’ve made is very spread out, and I wonder how a hurting mom coming to my site would find what she needs to survive.  How can I give her (how can I give you), what she needs when she needs it the most?

Your mental/emotional survival is dependent on your faith. Your faith is a gift from God that grows when our mind sets and emotions are healthy and inline with our Father.

That’s why I made “A Guide to Parenting a Child with a Serious Illness”.  It’s the jumping off point from which you can strengthen 4 key areas necessary for you to not only survive your child’s illness but to see you faith thrive in a time you need it the most.  Your mental/emotional survival is dependent on your faith.  Your faith is a gift from God that grows when our mind sets and emotions are healthy and inline with our Father.  We are holistic beings.  Every aspect of our lives is connected and effects one another.  Working on these 4 keys will bring you much needed healing and put you in the safest place on earth – held by His strong arm next to His heart:

 Key #1  – Everyday Life and Taking Care of YOU!

 Key #2  – Create Your Firm Foundation.  It’s All in Who and What You Know!

 Key #3  – Getting Ready for Those Dreaded Doctor Appointments or (Even Worse) Hospital Stays

 Key #4 – Building Up Your Support System and Watching for Warnings

There are, altogether, over 20 resources listed under these keys.  I encourage you to start with Key #1 and work at your own pace through each article, audio, or download.  It will take time to work through each Key and that’s good!  You don’t want to rush the work God wants to do in your heart.  Oh, did I mention that this guide is completely free?  All I ask is that you share it with others if you feel it would bless and help them.

Are you ready to go beyond surviving?  Here’s your link to your guide Go to Guide

In His Love, Kimberly

Picture of keys found at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=151

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The Not So Secrets of a Garden – Kimberly’s Blog

by Kimberly on May 13, 2011

    

     I love gardens!  The beauty and regality of the formal garden of any     European castle awes me as I imagine what it must be like to be the owner.  The whimsical overflowing flowers of a cottage garden (like those in a Thomas Kinkade picture) make me smile as I dream of the loving warmth inside its walls.  The natural beauty of God’s gardens (forests and prairies) seem magical.
     I love gardens not only for the beauty but the stories they tell in their own quiet way.  They give you insight into the personality of the people who planted them.  They reveal their Creators imagination and power.  For the owners, they teach God’s lessons one chore at a time.
     Last weekend, my family worked on the gardens closest to our hearts – the vegetable garden in our back yard and the flower garden in the front.  (A big pot of beautiful, colorful flowers picked out and planted by my son and husband made a perfect Mother’s Day gift!)  At the end of our day, as I stood back and admired the beauty and warmth new flowers had added to our home, I told my husband that flowers make a house a home.  That’s the warmth I had felt.  Our beautiful home had been decorated with the colors and plants that we love.  Our personalities, our hearts, can now be seen from the curb, and I liked what I saw.  I especially love that big pot of flowers and how they reflect my son’s new health, vitality, and passion for life.
    To get to that point though had taken a lot of work – work that actually isn’t done or show its fruit (or should I say, flowers and vegetables?) yet.  I’d like to share with you a couple of the “not so secrets” I learned in my vegetable garden.
    The first secret was found while I thinned out the radishes.  As you know, thinning seedlings as they grow is important because it allows the vegetables to grow to a nice big size.  If it’s too crowded, your root vegetables will grow long and stringy.  Most of the seedlings that I pulled were exactly that – stringy radishes.  Every once in awhile, though, I would pull out a beautiful, small, round radish.  My first reaction was to feel guilty!  Oh, if I’d just let it grow… Well, the truth is if I would have let it grow, it wouldn’t have grown much more and it wouldn’t have let its neighbors grow either.  Instead of replanting it, I tossed it to the side.  As I keeping thinning, that pile of tiny perfect radishes got a little bigger.  And, yes, when I pulled each one up, that same feeling of guilt popped up too.  It was just a radish, but I still wondered if I was really doing the right thing!  I took my pile of radishes inside, cleaned them up, and my family enjoyed the first “fresh from the garden snack” of 2011.
    If you’ve read my article “7 Steps to Battle Fear” or listened to the audio, you know that I encouraged you to get rid of the extra stuff in your life that, enjoy as you might, interfere with taking care of yourself.  We can fill our garden of life with lots of wonderful little things.  Our calendar becomes very crowded with stuff to do, and while we like them all, we never really get to relax and enjoy anything.  We don’t have time to!  All too soon, we have to finish up that activity and go on to the next.  It’s like eating a bunch of thinned out, stringy radishes and being satisfied!  We never get the big fat yummy radish!
    Something I haven’t really talked with you about is my recent decision to stop teaching my non-contact kickboxing class.  It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made because I love it and the women in my class so much.  It was a good thing, but it became clear that it wasn’t the best thing.  The truth was that it interfered with pursuing my passion – this site and writing to you.  By pulling that class from my schedule, I have more freedom to grow.  (I also have more time with my favorite almost 13 year old boy!) 
     Do you need to thin out your schedule so that you can lower your stress level, give yourself and your home more peace, or because you have other areas that need room to grow?  
     One of the other not so secrets I learned that day is what a great team God has put together when my husband and I were married.   As I thinned the radishes, he was planting the many pepper plants he had grown from seed.  I watched him, and thought about how much I hate planting that many plants.  Anything over 10 becomes torture to me, but he loves it.  Getting his hands in the dirt brings out the Iowa farm boy in him!  BUT, don’t ask him to plant seeds.  He makes a row, tosses as many seeds in as he can, and covers them.  He also does not like to thin anything.  So unless, I get involved we will have nothing but long, stringy vegetables.  I like to carefully plant seeds.   He loves to weed.  Together, we make a pretty incredible garden.  Together, we make a pretty good team.
     That team that God created brought us through our son’s heart defects and surgeries.  When I lacked faith, his faith took over.  When he was away at work, I was with our son caring for him at home or at the hospital.  We prayed, talked, and trusted God together – we still do.    
     I hope and pray that you have an incredible teammate too.  
                       

What secrets have you learned in your garden?  Please share below in the comment box!

In His Love,

Kimberly

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Why You Should Fight for Your Marriage, Not Against it by Kimberly Ehlers

by Kimberly on June 13, 2010

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh,” (Genesis 2:24, New King James Version).

Does your marriage feel like a love connection or a boxing match?  Dear One, if it feels more like you’re in the 10th round and there’s no end in site, it’s time to step out of the ring.  Does that sound impossible?  Have you become comfortable in the ring?  Well, come with me on a little walk that most of us find ourselves taking.  Actually, I can’t walk this road with you, your spouse can’t either.  It’s a walk you have to take on your own, making your own decisions, but I will be here cheering you on.

As parents of a child with a serious illness you will probably come to a fork in the road.  You will have to choose between 2 paths – The Easy Way and The Hard Road.  The stress and the tension may be unbearable in your home; you may be fighting like cats and dogs.  Or maybe, you just aren’t “happy anymore”.  The Easy Way sounds so good, and, well, easy!  See, it takes you away from your spouse.  Then, you tell yourself, you’ll be happy because there won’t be any fighting anymore.  You might even tell yourself that if you’re happier, your child will be happier.  The truth is, a child is happier when his parents are happy TOGETHER.  That leads you to your other choice in direction – The Hard Road.  It’s hard because you aren’t happy, you aren’t feeling “in love”, and on this road, you have to work to get back there.  You have to decide to change your own behavior.  You have to surrender to God and let Him help you to change.  You have to let God work on your spouse’s heart.  I know this is difficult to hear, but, Dear One, we don’t have the right to change our spouse.  They belong to God, not us.  He made them for His purpose just as He made you. 

We pray that God keeps working on us, don’t we?  At least, we don’t believe He created us and let us loose, never to bother with us again, right?  His work started at our creation, but didn’t end there.  It didn’t end there for your spouse either.

Now, let’s be clear – you do not have to accept being treated badly.   You can say, “I didn’t like it when _________.”  But, we can’t take those times and try to destroy our spouse.  There’s a difference between saying, “No, that’s hurtful to me” and tearing them apart over every offense, pinpointing everything they’ve ever done wrong.  The difference is your heart.  Are you speaking with love or are you cutting down for revenge?  I would encourage you to read James 3:5-8 from your own Bible, but I would like to share two different versions of it that help to drive home the meaning of these powerful verses.
   
From the Contemporary English Version: 
   “Our tongues are small too, and yet they brag about big things.
   It takes only a spark to start a forest fire! The tongue is like a spark. It is an evil power that dirties the rest of the body and sets a person’s entire life on fire with flames that come from hell itself. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and sea creatures can be tamed and have been tamed. But our tongues get out of control. They are restless and evil, and always spreading deadly poison.”
 

From The Message:
  “It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.
This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue—it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer.”

This road is hard because it means acknowledging that we aren’t perfect.  It also means opening our hearts to let God do a lot of painful surgery – asking God to shine His light on our sins so that He can remove them.  He will only remove them if you let Him.  You have to want to change.

The Hard Road is also long.  The Easy Way is short and sweet, getting you to your destination quickly.  The Hard Road is long and difficult, but the destination point is so much sweeter.  You now get to live in The Land of One.

We may think we want the newlywed bliss again.  You were in love back then, you couldn’t NOT be.  You didn’t have to fight for it back then.  Dear One, I don’t believe we truly become one with our spouse until we face hard times and choose to love through and in spite of them. 

Why would we want to be “one” anyway?  Well, why wouldn’t we?  The blessings you will receive in this land are beyond anything you can imagine.  You will experience love the way God designed it to be.  What does “being one” even mean?  My dictionary says that one can mean “united /with one accord/”.  It also says that accord means “mutual agreement; harmony”.  God wants you to be a team in this tough life!  He wants you to face every hill united in agreement of how you’re going to tackle that hill together.  He wants the battle to stay were it belongs, out in the world, not in your home.
I think that everyone reading this article could tell me of at least one blessing you’ve received through your child’s illness.  My husband and I have seen the hand of God reach down to heal some of our son’s heart defects.  Someone whose son doesn’t have heart defects would never be able to experience that.  What has God done in your child’s life that He couldn’t have done in a healthy child’s?  (We would LOVE to have you share your experience on our “A Parent’s Heart” page.  It would be such a blessing and encouragement!)  You could only have experienced those blessings on The Hard Road.

Your marriage is no different, Dear One!  So, fight for it!  Choose The Hard Road and wait patiently to find the rich blessings you would never had received on The Easy Way.

If I could, I would like to ask each of you a question.  Don’t you want better?  Don’t you want a better marriage that glorifies God and is rock solid?  Don’t you want to be happy and experience God’s downpour of blessings.  Take those steps; begin your walk on The Hard Road…

In His Love,
Kimberly

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Tools to help you travel The Hard Road (click on the titles to read more about them):
“The Faith Challenge” – this is serious heart surgery.  Through this 25 day challenge, you will open up to God and clean out the “junk” that needs to be removed.  At the same time, you will come to know God on a deeper level than ever before.  By the end of the 25 days, your faith and relationship with God will be stronger than ever before, making it easier to do those difficult personal relationships.
“The Messy Motives and Wrong-Way Roads Bundle” – Part of the “junk” I mentioned above comes from our messy motives for why we relate to God (and others) the way that we do.  What are we trying to get from Him or them?  Get yourself back on the right road with God and you’ll find yourself on the right road with others.

A New “A Parent’s Heart” Question! We Want to Hear From YOU! – Kimberly’s blog

June 10, 2010

Hi, everyone! Can you feel the romance in the air?  Or are you feeling more like strangling your beloved?   When you have a child with serious illness, you may feel like you don’t have the time from romance, but, dear one, this is the time when you need it most.  Pulling away with your husband [...]

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Preserving Your Marriage in Tough Times by Beth Jones

June 8, 2010

     I’m so excited to introduce you to a dear, sweet friend of mine, Beth Jones!  She’s quite an amazing woman with a tenderheart ready to love everyone mixed with a fun sense of humor.  She is passionate about God and has a heart desire to see everyone grow in their relationship with their Heavenly [...]

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