This was a question I asked myself many times. How about you?
I was giving God my all. I truly believed He could heal, but whenever I said that to myself, a whisper of doubt would say, “It doesn’t mean He will.” Then, in the back of my mind, I’d hear the question. “What will I do if He doesn’t answer my prayer the way I want?” What I wanted was full healing and no more surgeries for my son. I didn’t think my relationship with God could survive these unanswered prayers. I would always see Him as God Almighty, creator and maker of all things. Could I ever think of Him as good, love itself, merciful, and my Helper again if He didn’t heal Seth?
That nagging question had too much power. It limited what I prayed. It would destroy my faith if I allowed it to grow. It would grow if I denied it was there or tried to fix it on my own.
Determined to break the power of this doubt – I confessed it. I decided to confess it in a big way, not just between me and God; I shared it with my church family one Sunday. Tears streaming down my face, I stood at the front of the church and told everyone that I was so afraid of what will happen if He didn’t bring healing. Dear One, I’m sorry if I’ve scared you with the mere thought of standing up before others confessing your doubt:). Do you have to do that? Probably not, but then again, maybe God wants you to. He uses our weakness to strengthen others and glorify Himself. “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me,” (2 Corinthians 12:9, New King James Version). Paul knew that God would receive all the glory because he couldn’t brag about his own abilities. Now, I’m not saying that He caused your child’s illness for the benefit of others. We have to realize, though, that what the enemy meant for evil, God is working for good. He wants to use us just as He used Paul. He’s ministering to others’ hearts while He ministers to you.
After confessing my doubt publicly, I felt an immediate lessening of my fear and worry. Notice I didn’t say it was all gone! I had to decide to make the choice to believe the truth of His Word. Through the Bible, He tells us that He is good and that He is always with us, ready to rescue us. I chose to believe He would do the very best for my son. Daily, I had to make the effort to believe what His Word told me. I also had to keep talking with Him about the hurt all my past unanswered prayers caused. The most damaging experiences to my faith were all the time’s Seth’s oxygen readings were low. All year long, year after year, I’d pray for healing only to go to the cardiologist and see, once again, that his oxygen stats were still low. There were so many smaller unanswered prayers too. You know, the prayers for daily help that doesn’t seem to come – the coughs that don’t end, the allergies that don’t go away. If Paul needed to let go of the past, don’t we to? Listen to what He said, “Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus,”(Philippians 3:13-14). Some hurts, some experiences take time to let go of.
I realized something very big back then. My purpose (and yours!) is to worship and glorify God. That’s why He made us, right? We are here for His glory, and I could trust He would be glorified through Seth. I didn’t create that trust. It grew from my time with God. It came from reading His Word, expecting Him to teach me what He wanted me to know. It came from talking with God, not just praying at Him. I learned that some of the most powerful prayers were simply sitting in His presence, not saying anything. I also learned that these kinds of relationship prayers can be messy. My prayers may not always sound like I’m being a “good Christian”, that’s why I love God’s Word. I read of David and his sometimes messy prayers and see a Godly man I understand. I also see a man who keeps going back to His Father and doesn’t give up on their relationship.
So, Dear One, what are your doubts? What are your fears? Are you afraid He won’t answer your prayers? Talk with God about it. Tell Him your doubts and why you have them – did He “let you down”? Next, share them with someone you love (or maybe the whole church:)). Voice those doubts and weaken their power. Then hang on to the Truth while praying without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17).
I found a great video of Casting Crowns’ song “The Voice of Truth” put to clips of the movie “Facing the Giants”. It is POWERFUL! There are so many giants to face in this world – ours is our child’s illness. Make sure you watch until the very end!
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68q8y5nkdPo[/youtube]
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Not sure how to do this often times difficult relationship with God? Let me help you give Him all of your fears, doubts, and even anger. Take “The Faith Challenge“, and begin a new walk with God.
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