Something started to change not long after the wedding. Maybe it started to happen when you came home from your wonderful honeymoon, and laid eyes on the bills accumulated from your dream wedding. It definitely started when your child with serious health issues was born. It’s the change in your marriage that stress brings. Husbands stop being Prince Charming. Wives inner beauty becomes more beastly. Stress comes and eats away at the fairy tale romance.
But, you know what? It’s OK to let the fairy tale go. God has something better for your marriage and the good news is that it’s real. It lasts, and, yes, you can have it even though your child is seriously ill. It all begins with agreeing. What? Yes, dear parent, it all starts with the desire to agree and not to argue with your beloved.
I have to be honest with you, my husband and I have been in complete agreement about Seth’s care from the beginning. Really. A doctor would propose a surgery or other plan and we would both say, “Yes,” or, “No,” without even having to discuss it. In fact, I was taking our ease of agreement for granted until one day it hit me. It was an utter miracle that 2 people like us never disagreed about the medical care our son would and wouldn’t receive. In all of the major decisions we had to make, we were always on the same page.
I also remembered a college professor of mine telling us years ago that 80% of marriages end in divorce when a child is severely disabled. The stress of caring for such a child is too great. Granted, this wasn’t the same situation, but the amount of stress we faced was high too. I realized then that our agreement was a gift from God, and I decided to stop taking it for granted. I made it a constant prayer that Randy and I would always be in agreement. Even though our son’s heart has been healed, it’s still a high priority prayer. Families need parents who are in “it” together. Parents working as a team bring peace and security into their homes.
So, why should you pray to always be in agreement with your spouse? There are two main reasons: 1. It makes decision making much easier. 2. It will probably save your marriage.
I know this verse is used a lot when Christians talk about marriage, and, I think it’s for good reason. I love it! It paints a beautiful, inspiring, and even romantic picture of what God wants for marriages, “‘The man said,
‘This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.’
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh,’ ” (Genesis 2:23-24, NIV). Two become one. To me, that shows a man and woman so in love that they each lose any sense of self-importance or entitlement. Nothing can come between them. I see a man and a woman loving each other deeply and passionately. They honor and respect one another. They value each other’s thoughts, feelings, and talents. Doesn’t that sound like a marriage, worth praying for? Facing a tough decision, this kind of couple will either come up with a plan they can both live with or they will think the same way and no discussion will even be needed. You know a thing or two about having to make major decisions don’t you? You have to make choices about treatment plans, therapy, medication, and surgery. Then there are the financial decisions. Wouldn’t it be nice to be “one” when facing your decisions? If God puts you both in agreement, not only do you avoid an argument, but you can have peace knowing you are following Him and providing the care He wants given. He’s unified you for His will.
Sometimes there has to be some give and take when it comes to making decisions. Sometimes the agreement is to trust your spouse and their love for your child. You need to believe that they, just like you, want the best for them. There were times I really didn’t know what to do, but my husband did. I had to let go of my fears and trust in the knowledge that Randy loved Seth. I also had to choose to be in agreement with God. I didn’t know what to do, but He did and He was in control. I had to agree to let Seth go and place him in his earthly and Heavenly Fathers’ hands.
Also, if you refuse to give and choose to constantly battle your spouse, resentment will grow quickly between you. You will hurt each other and not live as one. Believe me, I know that you’re arguing, because you love your child and feel like you have to fight for them. Do that, fight for your child! Fight the disease, but don’t fight your spouse. In the end, the stress of your fighting only hurts your child.
If you’re the primary caregiver, you often have to make decisions immediately and on your own. I hope I don’t step on your toes because I’m speaking from experience, dear parent, but we have to be careful not to become “the boss”. We can choose to become “Boss” because we’re trying to gain some sense of control or simply by circumstance. OR, we may not ask for it, but the “Boss” hat is put firmly on our heads only because we are the one home with the child. Either way, it will ultimately only cause resentment on both sides. The spouse who isn’t “boss” feels belittled, disrespected and resents not having a voice in their child’s care. The spouse who is “boss” will eventually resent all the pressure of caring for a seriously ill child. This was a battle for me. While my husband and I were always in agreement on the big decisions, there were every day kind of decisions that I had to make. I would do this day after day until, suddenly, I’d explode in anger because I was “forced” once again to be in charge and bare such a huge responsibility. The pressure caused Mount Kimberly to erupt. Talk about poor communication skills. (Did I ever mention how amazing and wonderful my handsome husband is?) I did learn, though, that every once in awhile I needed to take the time to call my husband and ask his opinion even if I knew what I should do. This wasn’t an every day occurrence but it was enough alleviate some of my pressure and share the responsibility while keeping my husband involved.
If you’ve been living under the pressure of being “boss”, you’ve undoubtedly developed a lot of worry and fear. That’s where “The Faith Challenge” can help. It will guide you through the process of letting go of the responsibility and hurt, putting it completely in your Father’s hands.
Wouldn’t all of this be so much easier if we felt this way about our spouse:
“(Lover)
How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes are doves.
(Beloved)
How handsome you are, my lover!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant…”, (Song of Songs 1:15-16, parenthesis mine).
(If you need a little inspiration to even want that kind of love, read the rest of Song of Songs!) How do we get to that “better than a fairy tale” kind of love? The kind of love where you are one? It’s really not that hard. Go on dates every once in awhile. It doesn’t have to be every week or break your budget. It can be as simple as taking a walk together. Do the little things that make your sweetheart feel loved – leave them a love note, make their favorite meal. Unfortunately for me, having the lawn mowed makes my husband feel really loved.
If you pray for your marriage and ask to be in agreement, and do the things necessary to build that real love; God will bless you with a marriage like this, “Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away,” (Song of Songs, 8:7a). Your marriage may not be happy every day, but it will be full of precious unity, sustained by lasting love.
In His Love,
Kimberly
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